Presentiment...?

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Kate
@kate
2 years ago
131 posts
Hello people :)I come here with an issue... well, I think I might have a big problem with the direction I am headibg towards... on maybe not necessarily the direction but the context and environment in which I must go again. I use to have all kinds of "mental warning signs" related to decisions that might negatively influence my own or someone close's future... or change it drastically. Sometimes it might be another step that must be taken, and yet... it does not herald positive growth but a period of harder things to deal with.This is the kind of feeling I have right now related to the city I must return to for studies, and to be even more specific, in this city, the capital of my country that is, I cannot work with myself or with people normally or the way I could to build something positive. It all starts from the thoughts woth which people come here "I am here for job and money" not because it is a beautiful, clean city with nice landscapes and chill people. It is, in all honesty, the opposite, and I find it hard to meditate at all, and above everything, I also jad a pretty negative experiemce at the dorm I stayed in, and met people of my age more stressed out, annoyed, tired, closed up than I've ever seen, that tried/did drugs and so on. I am pretty sure that in the long run staying in a place filled with old people would have had a better influence for at least their perspective on life would have been... more encompassing (less "I mainly exist on facebook" oriented too, the social media thing and obsession is a damn issue).So while I am a bit unsure; my inner refusal to return but moral obligation to do that, and where it might come from. I felt the athmosphere from the first time I came anyways; stiff, one of the less "therapeutic" places. And lots of fear, even though communism ended 20 years ago. Well, this one is common in many places here so nothing new. But... I tried not to let myself be run by that and follow my will as I want to build things like everyone but honestly, the interest here to do amything out of niceness or deep desires even in the NGO s sector is so damn low it feel "muddy" to even try to feel what is going on around me more, but instead you are always opposing somethimg or need to cut the links to the environment or nature and retreat in the shell which is very bad (trees, haha, if you are lucky and find a place with green areas). In short, I do feel like a fish out of the water more or less. And it does not feel as if I should build something here either. I feel sad because of this, and I obviously wish I could change it, but then I realise I should sacrifice too many things and I have to take care of myself as well.Even the stray dogs here are like drunk and don't react normally xD Well, with so much empty eart below our feet (tunnels, subways) no wonder the energies are more scarce and less balanced. There is also a thing I read about that is called the Hartmann grid. I found it out after searching for an explanation for my bad sleep... the city in itself isn't that bad though for meditation or other practices, but it is essentially draining in my oponion and not sustaining growth. In short, it'd better be a short-lives experience,well, I know I am not staying here anyways, but even so I wish I could understand why is there such a big warning sign about this place as far as taking care of my empath/"kept under the key" psychic faculties is involved ^^ Have you ever experienced that? Might I be just a brainless risktaker...:(I have tried many ways to try and change the way I perceive this message but it stays fixed on the idea from above so it is clearly not a goid place for me or for what I should do I guess :/
updated by @kate: 01/29/17 08:31:49PM
Kate
@kate
2 years ago
131 posts

Hmm... a good word for how the place makes me feel is almost... dysfunctional for some reason. Mental and non verbal communication, the balanced noise and spectrum people should naturally have around them, the natural inflow of creativity in certain places that you should have... they are being reduced to a minimum, to almost 0. What is this? :/

I believe i have problems with it because naturally i do not accept such things and seek to find ways out, but i am very unsure of howmuch i should react as my... enthusiasm and curiosity in general haven't been that well received by that many either, althoughit definetly started getting better than when i was younger.I use to stare into space for long period of time while having conversations in my head but sometimes i will look at people in that way that they will look back at me so scared and wondering what i am thinking about them and only then i am able to realise they might havefoundme intrusive, even though i do thatnaturally,and when i was a kid people didn't mind:/. What i do not understand is why every other being sees this (looking at someone's heart and noticing the kind of thoughts someone has)as something positive (children, certain older people or those who prefer honesty in their relationships, and animals, everythign related to nature) but not acertain group of people. i can't bethe one doing the wrong stuff always can I?I do not confine to old negative patterns and thus i appear highly different and with a different beat even to the people who never thought of such things previously; even if i do my best to hide it under a dignifiedpers. that totally isn't sobotheredby all the things and unsettlednessgoing on around^^ xD

Well, i still want to overcome the feeling but i do not know how other than go abroad with my studies >_>

Kate
@kate
2 years ago
131 posts
Thank you Chuck for your comment :)I wish I knew though what am I more exactly picking up from that place that I find it so obsessively off-putting as far as meditation and a normal heart chakra activity (no idea how to describe it otherwise! ;)) ) are involved. The air is stiff, I do not like it. After already one year of trying to work with all when I feel it now it feels like I want to retreat within myself and that's it, and it's even more toxic in the long run for I will search or need forms of expression I never desire to have or had (don't need to use people as emotional sponges, drink, smoke, swear, etc...). Another way after which I "measure" a place is simply how much inspiration I can get ^^ I draw, paint, sculpt, take photographies... green places especially make all these processes more normal- and obviously there I find it harder to do that >_> In the sense that yeah, I either try to consciously start it, "create my own space", or else...But this principle is opposite to what has worked for me until now and keeps me well and going, that of needing to manipulate the intuitive processes or your environment and such. I highly refrain from doing that since i know very well the people's reactions, and i hate this place for the very fact that i sense little ways of keeping safe from developping your negative traits instead of positive ones. I also find everything different from the idea of simply dealing with yourself and inner nature or blockages, daydreaming, etc... no. I'll be pushed to mess it up, try to change the people i come in cintact with as it deeply unsettles me. And I do not like to involve myself as much. Not in these conditions. Then I might become like the people I criticised in my mind (or maybe I just wish something different), that even though seem to have certain gifts remain on the "outskirts" and simply observe, afraid to act, or maybe conscious it would be a pain. Still not a good choice though.I just ultimately feel I want to go away from it!!! :( Of course, opportunities are multiple but..... something about having to go abroad with studies "to prove something" makes me feel annoyed as well, with all my curiosity about foreign cultures and actual desire to do that ^^.Like a nest of low energies capped with radio waves this is how it feels :/Might there be someone making me feel like this, or I am picking the lower frequencies and let them affect me too easily? :( It oftentimes happened to say one thing, get ignored while the process was changed, but then in the end it somehow happened anyways just as i said. I was never taught to trust my intuition honestly. And yet, after mulptiple episodes in which i correctly predicted different aspects related to myseld and others, saw through lies ot possible harmful events like through clear water... I changed my opinion. This is why it s hard to pin down the exact problrms that what i am picking might create, but i woke up with these ideas and feelings, snd last time it happened it saved me from not being able to go to an exam for i somehow woke up with the idea that my name was written wrongly, just a few days before the sheets should have been submitted. Dressed up, went to the school to ask: so it was... and this is just one example...The "alarm sign" floating above certain events do not differ at all. The same feeling of "rather not" is there. IT IS possible to channel and change it. But it involves a lot......And I like my mind free for goddamn's sake xD (should I mention I hope they are just inner fears? pff, doesn't look quite right after all I try to make the opposite happens)Also, not sure how many do this, but I would compare the "project to see what you get back technique" like a bat does with ultrasounds to find its way ;)) Like when you ask a question and sometimes can feel the difference between yes or no, as in the thought in itself does not meet with blockages or unwilling people...
Kate
@kate
2 years ago
131 posts
ps: sorry for the many typing mistakes ... phone version apparently is a bit buggy and did not let me scroll upwards after writing a paragraph, or edit the post ;))
water_lily
@water-lily
2 years ago
90 posts

I know this is quite a while after you posted, and I hope you found some relief, but in case you haven't...

Last year I moved to a much bigger city with a much different climate, and I had a lot of trouble adjusting, partly due to seasonal changes, partly due to the feelings of the people and partly due to my disconnection from nature. Your description of your feelings seem almost identical to some of what I've been feeling. I posted a question related to this, and got a very helpful response from someone called Leafherder. To paraphrase, when you can't get to nature or a happy place to recenter yourself and keep yourself sane look for places that have the feeling you are looking for (an empty cathedral, a museum, an empty theatre, whatever works for you.)

Personally, I have absolutely no interest in staying in this city after I finish what I need to do here. I know it is bad for me to be here, but I also know that the direction my life needs to go requires me to be here. Since I feel strongly enough about this, I try to think of my time here as a growing experience. If I can spend five years or so facing this, I will probably be a much stronger person and maybe I'm supposed to do that to accomplish whatever I should do in the future. Maybe this experience will help you too, or maybe you should get yourself out of it. Only you can tell :)

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