I know I found mine.. and I do not feel that I can say anything. I ran away as fast as I could. I regret not stating how I felt.. but at the same time I know that it was not the right time.. things happen as they should and it was the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I know things will be ok.. and I just focus on what I need to do right now. I can relate to the feelings you describe.. it plagues me. I have tried cutting cords.. removing myself from even the possibility of bumping into him. I have my reasons.. but mostly it is because a choice was made and I knew then there was something I needed to do.. and something this person needed to learn first. I still see it that way. Trust yourself.. but try to sort through the emotion of it long enough to understand it. Best I have..
Mine knows.. to a point where we intentionally avoided contact, yet would find reasons to try to talk or spend time together. It was confusing but absolutely the most intense thing I have ever experienced.. I felt like there was a reason and I still feel that after a few years. I do think there was a reason for the why~when~where.. I know he acknowledged that something was going on.. he would make comments and many things happened that cannot be dismissed. I do feel grateful for the opportunity despite the confusion and I look to it as a teaching moment for me. It has helped guide me forward and the lessons just keep coming. I have never experienced anything like it and all with no physical contact.. and I have never had something pick me up and turn me around with little to no effort on either of our parts. Even the words I use to describe it do not do it justice..
Oh yeah.. It doesn't close really.. and good luck on turning it off.. If this is what you are experiencing I just don't see how or why you would want to. It has helped me grow into more than I ever thought I would be. It was an awakening of self in my case. I will never be able to repay such a gift..
Light and Love,