UPDATE: After posting here and feeling as if I may burst into shards without him, I had to take a good honest look at my feelings and with much prayer and meditation this is the result. Your stories and insights have been most helpful and I welcome any input on the subject. I still feel this intensity and am still learning.
I determined that no matter what I named it (relationship, arrangement, etc...) I love this man. There has been something about him from the first word to him that is beyond explanation. I feel as if I have known him before and I feel as if we have loved before. I am able to share with him and despite all efforts to filter information the man has this ability to have me tell him everything. It is undeniable that I love him.
He has pushed me, intentionally or not, to be better. I pursued avenues that I thought forever lost. I began singing and writing. I am under management and am beginning a career as an artist. I began writing a book also and I write music frequently. I never would have attempted these things without his influence. Also, I have began to further investigate being an empathy and all that it means. I want to help others and I never would have done that without the grey space that loving him has provided.
He has his own law practice and I feel thatgrowing it, nurturing it and cultivating it is his top priority. I respect him greatly for his ambition and I want to see him flourish in happiness. However, I feel that the focus on his business distracts him from the intensity of the two of us. I DO NOT understand how we have touched, kissed and united the way we have and he feel nothing for me. It just seems not possible.If I trust my intuition, I feel he cares for me. He is reluctant to call it love, just as I was. He does not understand why things are so different with me and why I do not submit to his every whim and game as so many others have and do for him.
He fails to understand that what is before him is not a game to play, but a gift. I will not wait. For the time being I have left the door opened a little for him because I do not have the strength at this time to completely shut it and lock it. I leave the details to God. He is the conductor of the symphony that is now in progress and in giving him the baton I am able to better listen andsee the beauty that is being created.
For now, I accept that he is meant to be with me at this time. I accept that I love this man beyond my own understanding.Are we tobe together forever? I have no idea, but even if we are not, I will forever be thankful for the experience that I have been granted.
Please continue to leave your thoughts here. I value each one as a learning experience and insight into my own growth with my empathic abilities.