Need help about whether to end a 52 year old friendship

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Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

HI all,

I think this may be my first ever post in the main forum, after two years of happy membership here. I am totally confused and need advice. Sorry it's so long.

I have been BFFs with someone since we were 12 years old, and that is a 52 year history. She got me out of a very bad jam in life once, for which I feel I owe her, and we had many good times together, but ever since she moved to the place she's lived for awhile now, she's changed dramatically, and she and I see things so differently we can't seem to communicate.

We've not lived in the same location since 1968, and she now lives almost 4,000 miles away from me. I've been changed by experiences I've had and so has she. I believe we are both in the same place, ie. we love each other like family, but no longer like each other much. We do have enough in common, that if we met now, I think we'd still end up as friends, just not nearly as close.

I've become fearful to open her emails, since she constantly talks down to me as if I am stupid, making little digs at me that she must think I am too stupid to pick up on. I barely noticed this until coming here and becoming good friends with some people like me, who give as much as they take. After experiencing getting as much as I gave for the first time ever, the contrast could not have been more stark.

I write to her, pouring out my heart over feelings about events in my life like most empaths, and I get back a strictly factual catalogue of events in her life with no feelings or opinions in them, and no addressing of anything I've said in my previous email to her. (We can't talk too often, since I must keep our phone line open for the business we run). I address everything she says with interest and ask questions about her life, only to get no answers.

I am also now required to divide paragraphs into just two sentences each, though she claims nothing is wrong with her eyes. I am not allowed to include any jokes because the ones I send are not intellectual enough, no articles or essays unless they are at her level, like from The New Yorker and agree with her politics which are now opposite of mine, and nothing at all about politics or any issue she can't change. Btw, I am eligible to be a member of Mensa, so I am not dumb, despite her implying it, in case you're wondering.

Some of you who know me know I am very, very ill. Recently, with new drugs, I had the best day I'd had in months and felt like a normal person. I was so happy! Then I opened an email from her which made me cry. For the first time in all these years I just could not keep quiet. I wrote back and said: "These digs really hurt", which was a lot less than I wanted to say, since I was very angry, but I controlled myself. She wrote back and said: "They are not meant to be digs. That's all I have to say".

I call B.S. on that. She said my belief that people often don't overcome addictions for fear of losing their peer group who all have the same addiction and my putting a label of "peer group" on anyone is "teenage". How is that not a dig? That is just one example. It got a lot nastier.

Someone here has told me recently that my illness is partly due to not accepting people as they are and being too picky and judgmental, but I really feel I should not let anyone talk to me that way. A friend here read her picture for me and says she is a phoney with a carefully crafted public persona, and that she is jealous of me because I have a committed marriage and she does not. That shocked me. She always acts like her life is better than mine in every way; perfect, in fact.

We empaths tend to hang onto people for dear life, so I think of all the good times we've had and my heart breaks. What would you all do in my place? Any ideas welcome, including telling me I am wrong and why. I am so confused!

Thanks for listening,

Cheshire Cat


updated by @cheshire-cat: 06/01/17 05:48:31AM
Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Thank you Vicky.

That is why I posted. I can't seem to get the answer in my heart. It changes every few minutes. Maybe I just don't want to see it yet. I will have to let it lie and be patient, a hard thing for me!

Blessings back to you,

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

ADDING to First Post:

I forgot in my first post to say that when we were 20 yrs. old, she almost slept with my fiance right in front of me when I was in the house. They had both been drinking a lot and I had to pull him aside and tell him he would lose me if he did that and it woke him up. (He lost me anyway later on).

To be fair, those were the days of so-called "free love", and she still believes in that open relationship stuff to this day, but I believe in fidelity and always have. She did not even ask me, and assumed it would be just fine with me.

Two friends have told me I should have broken off the friendship right then, that people's moral code is pretty much the same across the board, and if she was willing to hurt others to have what she wants, then she still is.

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Vicky,

Very perceptive. I am afraid she may be getting early Alzheimer's like both her parents, or may have a hormonal tumor, due to other symptoms she is laughing off, after I begged her to see a doctor.

Also, her on again off again boyfriend (mooching bum, IMO) is about to leave again, who knows for how long. That always puts her in a pissy mood, but this incident went way beyond that.

I will wait to hear from her a long time before giving up, but not forever. It always seems I am the only one who cares enough to do the work, if you know what I mean. I hear other empaths complain about this all the time. People discard each other so casually. She once told me the only two people in the world she would really miss are me and her sister, but that was before this change in her demeanor.

C. Cat

B
@b
2 years ago
252 posts
I so feel like I know you. Simaler thing going on in my life now
Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi B,

Very sorry to hear that. It is very painful and I pray you get a happy resolution to the issues between you and your BFF.

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Waxing Gibbous,

Thanks very much for the encouragement. That is exactly what I am trying to do. I couldn't sleep the first night and thought I might have a heart attack, but find I am smiling more now and have a very freeing feeling. I am noting that feeling may be significant, but will not rush anything, not after 52 years.

C. Cat

Reckless
@reckless
2 years ago
117 posts
I know as an empath we carry relationships as long as we can and always want a happy ending, just like in the movies.I believe this person may be jealous of you to some extent, but may not realize it. I know a good amount of people like this. It is extremely weird. For instance this guy can be so cold and heartless, but he constantly invites me to hang out with friends and family of his. I had took a step back to watch this person and their behavior. We have a lot of similarities as well, maybe that is what draws them to us, and us to them although we know how they are. I believe they call it a frenemy. I know in this person's eyes I am somewhat of a role model for the things I do.At some point I realized I was treating someone the same way, not the same person, but another. Time and distance will make them, or you, realize that. Give it to them so they can reflect on the past and the relationship. When you are there, make a big deal about how this person treats you. They may not realize it, or think it does not bother you so they do it for kicks. If you mean anything to them then they well apologize and it may take time but they'll change for you.
Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Reckless,

A frenemy is a very good description, thank you.

I've always heard the longer you wait the harder it is to resolve a problem.

In this case, I think I must give it time, as you said, but no more than a month. Knowing her, if she hasn't contacted me within a month, she has decided to end it and I won't have a choice.

I lost a 6 yr. friendship once by waiting too long to explain why I was so angry at her. I just could not believe she did not know. I did not understand how different we are then, and how sensitive we are and how much we pick up compared to "normals".

This one is much more important to me.

I'm glad you realized what you were doing from that previous experience. Very few are that self aware.

Thanks for your input,

C. Cat

Dice
@dice
2 years ago
284 posts

The hard part for me has been to let go.. even for a while. It is true... some friends grow apart and others can go through their entire lives and the relationship continues to grow. Sometimes you do have to cut ties.. it does not mean that it will have to be like that forever. Many times I do not realize what my words do.. I have to apologize not realizing I have hurt someone because I am too caught up in my own life. Not saying this is your situation at all.... but she might be so caught up in her own life to realize what she is saying because she is too busy feeling sorry for herself, and only thinking of herself. From the sounds of it she has been like that for your relationship.

I can relate to the hurts you describe and I think you need to surround yourself with positive right now. If you find that her words make you want to fight back by hurting her.. you may need to back off. It's a never ending spiral ... and usually does not end well.

Light and Love,

Dice

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Dice,

Thanks for the benefit of your experience. I am surrounding myself with positive people only and giving this a rest. Who knows, since she blames me for imagining things, she may decide this for me.

She is quite selfish as you said, but I know her backstory so cut her slack. She missed her teenage years entirely, being forced to raise her 3 siblings while her mom worked nights. I think she is now having her adolescence, and we can all remember how self-centered most of us were at that age.

I do find her words making me want to lash out in return and don't like that feeling. I know only one person who has friendships as old as this. I just read that the average American has a complete turnover of all their friends every seven years now!

I am not making any rash decisions. It sounds like you've been through this from one side or the other or maybe both and I am sorry. I hope you are okay now.

C. Cat

Daydra
@daydra
2 years ago
172 posts

Cheshire from talking to you today I can see that you are a very kind and warm person. I understand that we cherish therelationships we have in our lives even more so being empaths but it seems to me that this person has becomea very hurtful person towards you. Maybe it would be best just to distances yourself fromher for a whileespecially since you said you got a reading of how this person really is. I understand that it has been a long friendship but it seems she has started to take advantage of it and no longer respects the friendship the two of you once had. Sometimes we don't want to believe that the people who are in our lives sometimes change for the worse.I believe that no matter what we shouldn't hurt the ones we care about and should have some sympathy towards one another. It would be okay to remember and cherish the good times the both of you had. You mentioned that the both of you have changed and our on different life paths, I'm not saying to hate her or anything but if all she is bringing is pain and sadness to you lately maybe its time to takea little break from the relationship. Still wish her all the best but do what is best for you and that is taking care of yourself and emotions. I wish you all the luck in your decision.

Dice
@dice
2 years ago
284 posts

Everyone has a backstory.. and everyone has to make a choice too. I realize you want to help but I am glad you have backed off some so some fresh air can come in. I have been on both sides of this.. I have been hurt.. but I know I have hurt others and not intentionally. It really is a give and take.. I have and would go through just about anything to help a friend. I also realize there are times I cannot help. The closer you become the easier it can be to lash out too.

I have a friend that I cannot talk to politics about. She talks about it and I just listen. It's not that I don't have an opinion.. but in our relationship there is a line we have to draw.. I can see her point given her situation.. but that does not mean I agree. I hope you find a common ground and that things work out. Everyone needs a good friend.. especially when we are at our lowest. We just have to learn to protect ourselves and allow our light to help them. You already know what you need to do.. but thanks for the opportunity to share :)

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Thanks Dice and Daydra,

I just got up to take my 3 am meds and saw your posts. I am in the eastern time zone, so people on the west coast may not get responses too fast, since I'm asleep.

I really do not know what I need to do, which is the reason why I posted. I will give it time and ask for help in meditation from angels. She also is making decisions right now and it may be out of my hands anyway if she decides to drop me for finally standing up for myself.

It is the length of time and the feeling of almost being sisters that makes me hold on, but I do admit to feeling freer now. I am not afraid to open emails from my other friends like I was with her and am very glad I have some other friends, including one other 52 yr. long one besides the one I am having trouble with.

I am probably not making much sense and need to go back to bed, lol. zzzzzzzzzzzz

Thank you both so much for your help.

C. Cat

Fly~Robin~Fly
@flyrobinfly
2 years ago
731 posts

Hey Cat, why do you need to do anything? Why don't you just take an open-endedbreak? Resume communications when you feel like it, if you feel like it. You could call it a friecation! :)

Paul
@paul
2 years ago
916 posts

Dear Cat, please don't fret over what others decide. Just worry about what you can do... and you have done a lot. I feel bad for you that you seem to be isolated but there are these computers that you can contact other people. I am glad you have found some relief. I wish I had the knowledge to heal the physical with the mind. You would be the first I would tell it to. I know it exists, I just don't know it. =(

Just follow your heart and always do what is best for you. I trust you on that. Also I would love to hear more of your stories about your planet and that cabin and the dog. A Cat with a pet Dog... That is so cool! Maybe you can open up a new thread and just let it rip. =)

Alison
@alison
2 years ago
71 posts

Hi Cheshire Cat

How tough for you. I think I read somewhere that you have CFS? Me too and it's created lots of challenges with friendships but none of them are anywhere near as old as this one. I've been hurt that no one has really 'been there' although, after several years, I get that it's not meant, they don't understand, etc, etc. Even so it still hurts and I question the depth of the friendships. Part of me feels like saying 'right that's it' and just end things but at the same time I know they're good people and maybe I'll feel differently when (hopefully) I'm better. I certainly think that the friendships would be on different terms and more distant because I feel I've given more than I've received.

One thing I've noticed with CFS is that I can be extremely sensitive - even more so than usual. But then I'll have a good day and feel much stronger and I notice that I feel much more resilient emotionally. That's why I've decided not to make any major decisions because I'm so up and down. I've put things on hold really.

I wonder have you ever told her about how you feel about your relationship and how it's not good for you? You said :

For the first time in all these years I just could not keep quiet. I wrote back and said: "These digs really hurt", which was a lot less than I wanted to say, since I was very angry, but I controlled myself. She wrote back and said: "They are not meant to be digs. That's all I have to say".

I'm wondering why you've had to keep quiet all these years and why you controlled yourself when there was a lot more that you wanted to say? Do you feel you're not able to tell her how you're feeling?

I wonder whether you could put some boundaries around your relationship. It sounds like you don't want to let her go completely but don't really want much contact either. I can understand that. I have a friend from school who was a big part of my life back then (30 years ago). I've recently regained contact with her and it's just cards at Christmas/birthdays and I don't really want any more but that link seems important. You said in your post that if you met her you'd probably still be friends but notnearly as close - maybe that's something you could aim for??? Could you try and put the relationship more on your terms ie limit contact in a way that you're more able to handle.

I also get the impression that perhaps you feel responsible for her because of the tough times she's had and your history but you're not responsible (easy to say I know!!). Just people have had a tough life doesn't mean they can treat others badly. She sounds very demanding and is obviously having a negative impact on you. I know from my own experience that I need all my energy for trying to heal so anything that is at odds with this has to go (at least for now).

I don't know if this is of any help to you but I hope so :-)

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Robin,

So glad to hear from you! That is what I am doing, taking a break, but my stomach is tied in knots non-stop, so I can't let i tgo on forever for my heath. The decision may be taken out of my hands. She may not be willing to do the work to go on, and may just drop me, despite having told me a few months ago that I was stuck with her for life.

She has changed so much I am seriously worried she may have Alzheimer's like her parents, or a hormonal tumor (based on other symptoms she'd told me about), or her mooch of a boyfriend may have turned her into an alcoholic. She takes tons of allergy meds, rather than move to a better place...she lives in the worst place in the country for people with pollen allergy and those meds encourage dementia.

I would also suggest, if you haven't already, that you go back in this thread and read my "ADD ON" post, which tells about something I forgot to put in the main post that I think most women may have strong opinions about, and would like to know if you think I'm over-reacting and should discount it since we were only 20 then, and 20 yr. olds learn how to be grownups by practicing on and often hurting each other.

thanks a bunch,

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Thanks, Paul,

I did explain that whole thing about my home planet to someone recently and wish I could remember which group it was in so you could go read it. I don't have time right now. If I can find time, it might take my mind off this and be good therapy for me, so thank you, I think I see why you suggested it.

I finally got rid of months of constant nausea with antibiotics and now my stomach is tied in knots over this.

If you go back and read my ADD ON post to my original in this thread, I wonder what your opinion is on that incident as a man. I would love to know.

So far, two girlfriends have told me they'd have dropped her like a stone back then. I was a typical, endlessly forgiving empath back then, not realizing I had limited resilience and drawing no boundaries.

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Dear Alison,

Just to clear this up, I am the one who had the tough times and she literally saved my life by helping me out of them, so I feel I owe her. I always figured I could count on her to come here and help me if my husband died first, since it would take two months to get into a nursing home, which would be my only choice, dedspitre and I cannot drive to get groceries, meds, or get to the doctor anymore, or mow the lawn, etc. I live in a place where you must drive to go anywhere. I am sure she was my mother in a past life, and is still acting like it, which is part of the problem.

Yes, I have CFS, as well as FMS and late-stage Lyme. I am also slowly dying of EPI (exocrine pancreatic insufficiency) because I can't afford the drug to treat it. The EPI is caused by SIBO, which 84% of FMS patients have, but SIBO is notorious for coming back over and over while it becomes more and more resistant to antibiotics. While on the antibiotics, all my medical problems either go away or feel almost gone, but I am never allowed to take them more than ten days and I always get thrush. Having CFS, you know about that, I'm sure. I totally agree that a good night's sleep can bring a rare day of feeling good and that brings more resilience. I've been sick for almost 30 years, and the resilience gets lower and lower, due to crashed adrenals no doubt. I cannot do the good treatments for adrenal fatigue like licorice since I have high blood pressure. I am seeing an Integrative doctor to try to actually cure my EPI. I have to wait five weeks to get in. It's my last chance.

I did not say more to her because I would have blown up and ranted. Have you heard of Lyme rage? Now, I hope I'd be able to keep calm, but think it would depend entirely on whether she was warm and open or cold and defensive like she's been lately. That is why I said "these digs really hurt". I put the responsibility of hurting on myself, rather than accusing her of hurting me, which would have made her blow up.

In the past I did not set good boundaries and did not set them early enough. I would now, if I met new people, but I am at home, not only because I can't drive, but because I must run my husband's contracting business, and in that business you are open 24/7/365. I think she and I would get along much better if we talked rather than emailed, but I have to keep the phone line open for clients.

I hope you know about the groundbreaking research into genetic mutations in the methylation cycle being triggered by toxicity in our modern world. This, I believe is finally the answer to CFS and many other epidemic neurological illnesses. It came out of autism research. It is easy to treat with supps. Watch some videos about methylation on YouTube if interested.

Thanks for your input and I pray you get well and get your life back. CFS stinks and is so much more serious than they know, with their patronizing name for it.

C. Cat

Alison
@alison
2 years ago
71 posts

Hi

So sorry to hear you are so poorly. I do hope the integrative doctor can help you. Do you take probiotics and fermented foods for the SIBO? I hesitate to ask as you probably know all this but wanted to ask just in case ...

When I referred to tough times, I meant her childhood and having to bring up her siblings. You mentioned cutting her some slack. I just wondered if you were cutting her too much slack in allowing her to be so dominant. I only say that because I know I probably let people get away with things they shouldn't because I feel for them. It's hard to know where to draw the line sometimes.

It sounds like you have a lot ofconflicting(and powerful) motivations for being friends with her. I used to do this life coaching exercise when I had a difficult decision to make. It involved getting clear on underlying motivations/values in the situation and deciding which was the most important to me. You then use this as a guiding factor in your decision.Really helped me to gain clarity.Happy to pass it on if you're interested.

It really sounds like you both need to have a good conversation and get some things out in the open. Is there no way at all you could schedule something in at some point?

Agreed re the toxins. We live in a toxic world. I believe having a mercury filling removed/refilled was the final straw for me. I'm working with a nutritional doctor but often struggle to tolerate the treatments as I've become so sensitive.

Good luck with it all. I really hope you manage to reach some resolution.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Hi...sorry to hear about your friend.....are you sure she changed when she moved away? Or has she always treated badly.....and you let it slide?......anyway....the best thing to do is so sever the psychic link between you....and her...it sounds to me she may be one of those people who drains other people's energy.....and even at a distance she can still affect you negatively....it won't hurt her....if you do reastablish the link you may notice what happens to your energy more clearly.....and it may be something to do everytime you come in contact with her.....which means you can still be her friend....but you'll have a way to take care of her junk....

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

And when you do reconnect you may find it easier to let her go.....I think you supposed to let her go....that's what's being said to me....and for some reason....your not to fret....they're words...not mine....and sever the psychic links for sure....lol....insistant the be...lol

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Alison,

Yes, I drink plain kefir every morning with a green drink powder and chia seed in it, and I take a very strong probiotic with 15 different strains twice daily. I also take L-glutamine powder in water in the middle of the night. It heals the mucus lining of the GI tract and I couldn't do without it.

Ah yes, her siblings. I had forgotten mentioning that ,sorry. There is another huge change in her behavior. She used to speak to one of them almost daily, but has not spoken to her sister in months, despite the fact her sister has cancer, and won't speak to one brother at all now. The brother is a jerk, but she always told me I did not understand family and you love them anyway. Not anymore, I guess.

Please do PM me with your coaching procedure to help make decisions. I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

I don't want to make the first move to schedule anything. She thinks I need her more than she needs me and I feel it's very important that she be forced to make the first move here, or she will keep on believing that and things will never change.

I hear you on frustrating sensitivity to treatments. I have severe MCS. (that is now proven to be a mutation of the COMT gene). I hope your nutritionist knows methylation. I don't remove my amalgams because I don't have the money and feel I am too sick to handle it. I also know a few who've done it and not gotten any better. I hope you can recover....chlorella helps, but you probably know that.

Thank you for the help and good luck to you also.

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Karen,

I had not thought of cutting the cord, thanks. I will try that and see if it helps.

If you go back and read my post "ADD ON" to the main post, you'll see the only other time she treated me badly, but it's a deal breaker for most women, I think. Please post again if you disagree. I don't even trust my own instincts anymore. Other people seem increasingly like they come from another species to me.

She really used to be different, a lot different. Her move caused her to change her views to fit her new peer group, something I saw her do before in another past move. This time it put her at odds with me on just about every issue though.

Thanks for the cord cutting idea!

C. Cat

Alison
@alison
2 years ago
71 posts

Hi

Re the values exercise, basically you ask yourself 'what is important to me?'You can ask this in a general sense and later on you can always use it for individual situations if you want to. And if the answer is money, ask what would money give me? It could be freedom, security, etc. That's the type of answer you are looking for. Here's a list of possible values that might be useful. http://www2.sfasu.edu/advising/VALUES%20CLARIFICATION%20EXERCISE.pdf though you can add your own of course.

So come up with a list of ten values and on a scale of one to ten, rate where you are with each value in your life eg if you don't have enough money (freedom)to do as you'd like, you might rate that a low number. You can then go on to compare all the values with each other and end up with a ranked list. This can be quite laborious and I can't really remember it properly (but can look it up if it would be helpful). I find that just having a top ten and seeing whether or not they're currently being fulfilled is really useful. It immediately shows you where things are lacking in your life and, if you want, you can take steps to try and address these areas.

For example, it sounds a bit like you are relying on your friend for security if anything were to happen to your husband. I might be wrong but it's just an example. So say that score came out low for the value of security, maybe you could look at other possibilities to address areas were you don't feel secure. That would make you less reliant on your friend and give you more freedom to make your decision about your friendship.

Once you have your list, you can ask yourself 'does my friendship fulfil this value?' and go through your list. You don't have to do it perfectly, just asking what your values are is very revealing and something that most people never even think about.

I hope that makes sense ... is a bit hard to explain but feel free to ask if you don't understand:-) I wasn't sure how to PM, do I have to add you as a friend first?

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

i am on hold with tech support so can't type capitols.

you must add as friend to pm.

thanks for the info. will try.

c. cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

thanks for honest reply. on hold with tech support, sorry so short.

c. cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Wow, Mary Anne,

Sounds like you went through the exact same thing. That's a really long relationship too. And you are so right....when we're young we put up with anything. We haven't yet grown into who we are so we don't discriminate. Many people never do and take on all comers. I can't even remotely understand that.

I still have some interests in common with my old friend, but our values are definitely not in line with each other and I wonder if they've ever been. (Read the ADD ON post for evidence of differences in moral values from back at age 20).

I don't know if all of us empaths are the same, but it seems like it. For me the 3 most important things I look for in a friend or partner are ethics, ethics and ethics. Then comes a common lifestyle, then brains. Being picky, and she says I am much too picky, I require all 3.

You left her? So there was no explosion from both sides, like in my case and you just said you'd had enough and tried to renegotiate and she dumped you, or is that wrong? How did you work up the nerve and how did you handle the grief? It feels like a divorce.

I hope you are still doing well in your brand new location and happy in every way. :-)

big hugs,

C. Cat

Fly~Robin~Fly
@flyrobinfly
2 years ago
731 posts

Cat, I'm a bit concerned that someone on here gave you a reading on your friend? That makes me feel a biticky.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

No problem, Robin, this person is a very good friend of mine also outside of EC for a long time now, and I asked for the reading.

I'm off to bed now. Watch out for those Huntsman spiders....now those are icky!

C. Cat

Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

I am rather straight forward, so please do not take offense. First, you owe her nothing. If you look back in your life, then you will see that there are probably lots of people you have helped. We are empaths. It is what we do. Help. The person we helped owes us nothing.

Second, if her emails hurt you, then simply stop opening them. I know, easier said than done. This is not a healthy relationship. It is your choice to remain in it and her choice to be abusive. It seems she is using you to make herself feel better. Make sense? It gives her a sense of power and control. Possibly it makes her feel better about her not so great life; however, you are not her personal punching bag.

Third, maybe she doesn't mean to hurt you, but she is. Your feelings matter. You have enough negative energy from those around you daily. You do not need to feel more pain. Take care of yourself. You are an empath. You are gifted.

Fourth, I have family who state other people believe they are better. I am awesome and no one is better than anyone else. We just have different paths or journeys. Her journey is not yours and you don't need to understand it. That does not mean she matters more than you. She does not. An empath will place others desires or needs before their own. This can be admirable. Remember to help others you have to take care of yourself.

Fifth, everyday we make choices. I was in an unhealthy relationship for 30 years. No young chick here. I will not tolerate it now. It is my choice who is in my life and personal space. If a person is negative, then I don't have them in my life. That doesn't mean my twin doesn't vent or my grandson doesn't whine. They are human, but these relationship are healthy.

Sixth, just some ideas. Listen to your intuition. Meditate. Ask your guides/guardians/angels for guidance. Change your thought patterns to positive. Decide to wake up happy. Keep your life in balance.

You are going to grieve if the relationship ends. It is normal. I believe you already are grieving for a relationship which no longer exist. It is sad, but some people are only meant to be in your life a short time. This may be one of those 'let it go' moments.

Love and light for what may be ahead. Good fortune.

Equus Aquarius
@equus-aquarius
2 years ago
184 posts

C.Cat,

I wish that I could have expressed myself the way that Chay just did:)

- I just want to pipe in and say that, as intelligent as you are, it makes this decision even more difficult for you to make because, while you are already incredibly warm, sensitive, caring and loving, your incredible cognitive capability also causes you to over - analyze the situation with your left brain:)

Everyone who recommended meditation must have had this in mind and it makes a lot of sense to me too, so that you can connect the heart and the mind and come to a balanced decision that sets your mind at ease and lightens your heart at the same time:)

Love,

Equus Aquarius

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Chey.....that was the loveliest piece of blunt talk I've heard in a long time....and admire that your able to do it....lol....you made even me feel better.....thanks....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Karen,

Just noticed the end of your post. What did you mean by "insistant the be"?

Who are the "they" who are telling you I should let her go? Not doubting you, just wondering, since my own guides won't tell me anything.

I get help over tiny issues, but no help over big ones. It's always been that way. Wish I could get guides to respond at will.

Thanks,

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Thank you Chay and I appreciate the straight talk. I prefer people like that. :-)

Things will definitely have to change if this is to continue. She says we just communicate differently, but I do not have this problem with any of my other friends.

She's been in my life not a short time, but 52 years, so for me that makes it harder. I am an only child and was an unwanted child, and never knew either side of my family due to a religious difference causing my parents to be disowned for marrying each other. Because of that, my friends are my family and they mean everything to me.

I will not allow myself to be treated this way anymore though, no matter how hard a break up may be, I assure you.

Thanks so much for the input,

C.Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Dear EA,

Yep! Until I discovered I was an empath, not just "high strung", I put my left brain way above my right and found out the hard way over and over that my heart knows more than my mind. I won't make that mistake again. I do meditate daily, but often do not have nearly the time I need to do it properly. I need a time warp that I can open and then come back at the same time I left, lol.

love back at ya,

C. Cat

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Karen,

I was quite blunt on a thread of Chay's recently, so she knows I like that style and can take it as well as I dish it out. :-)

I'm glad you liked it too.

C. Cat

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Sorry....shouldn't have said that....but some times I can't help blurting things out.....the urge to say what I said was not my idea....I kept trying to walk away but was forced to continue with the message...the message came through in a jumble from many sources....and I was trying to make sense of it.....anyway....I'm not up on the lingo.....but if that is what is termed a reading....I'm sorry....and 'they' are spirit....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Karen,

Thank you. That means a lot. I just wondered what the typo was supposed to say, but if you did not get it either, there's not much you can do about it. I appreciate what you said. That is exactly the kind of straightforward, honest reading of this situation I am looking for, so no need to apologize at all. :-)

C. Cat

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

I've been worried I'd dun something wrong....lol....I have no idea as to how to explain what happens without going into a long lecture....I can hear quite a few levels/frequencies....too many at times....anyway your spirits were insistant on this one thing....no matter what each one said....it meant the same thing.....they approve of you severing all ties to your friend.....in fact they seemed to have never liked her at all.....wow....they won't stop....lol....anyway....they want me to continue and I'm saying no...this is enough.....try talking go them....please....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Karen,

I've tried and tried but cannot get anyone to talk to me. My spirt guides have not talked to me in 18 yrs. with one exception and that took a lot of forcing. I assume when you said spirits you meant spirit guides? I am sorry they are bothering you and wish I knew how to stop them.

I have two spirit guides, or used to, but only the head one is that aggressive. His name is Effenor, if you want to ask him to go away by name. I would be interested in anything he has to say, since he won't talk to me. Maybe he will tell you something I don't know about her that would help me.

Despite input from everyone, I will make my own mind up, so do not fear influencing me too strongly with what they say. I am independent minded.

Thanks,

C.Cat

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Well....I'm not sure I'm qualified to instruct you in any way.....my own connections opened up quite suddenly....the help I had came from many sources.....I''m very strongly connected through my heritage.....I'm 1st nation....canadian indian....when I was in deep doodoo and needed help...my whole spirit line came forward to help.....and began teaching me...family....friends....from way back in history.....was so cool.....anyway....sometimes the guides themselves need guidance....and that's where you need to step in and look for help....I have my whole heritage to draw on.....if my close spirits don't know the answer.....someone goes to the spirit elders for help.....it may take time....but eventually I get some sort of response.....that's how It was explained to me....and it works for me....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Karen,

That is really cool and your people have always used the right side of their brains. Mine haven't. All I can do is try, but have never tried that before. I will let you know if I succeed.

Right now I'm going to bed. I am totally exhausted and have the computer repair man coming early in the morning.

Thank you for your help. :-)

C.Cat

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
2 years ago
230 posts

First, I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been going through. My heart especially goes out to anyone with health challenges, since I've suffered with them for a lot of my life... And I believe it's true that as empaths we are more likely to have health problems, since our thoughts and feelings (as well as the sensitivity of our nervous systems) have a dramatic impact on our physical well being - these things are usually heightened for us.

Secondly, from what you wrote, my best advice would probably be to distance yourself from this person. Maybe she used to be a good friend, but based on what you wrote, she is now emotionally hurtful and not a true friend anymore. It's hard to let go of friendships, especially ones that have lasted so many years. But maybe if you distance yourself for awhile, she will one day wake up to the hurt she has caused you and want to be friends again.

This is one of the hardest things we face as empaths - relationships that are unhealthy for us. With family especially, the distance that we need can not only be hard to obtain, but can be seen as a personal attack to those who maybe don't even realize that they are being narcissistic, negative, or emotionally demanding. But cutting these people out of our lives completely would probably be a bad move (unless they are doing serious damage), so what I think is best for us is to still be there for them, but to also set boundaries for them, maintain the space that we need to survive, and keep our distance emotionally. I believe there's a reason why we feel apprehensive about opening up to others emotionally - it really does protect us in a lot of cases - and I think it can actually be a good thing, as long as we don't shut people out of our lives, and as long as we find ways to have meaningful relationships with those who are (at least mostly) emotionally safe.

I hope this helps :) Hang in there!

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

I'm curious as to what you mean by you spirit guide being aggresive.....and what you meant by 'forcing' him to talk to you....he sounds rather ominus....lol...sleep well....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Kit Kat,

Thanks for the advice, and it's pretty much where I'm at until I gain any more info.

We had to shut my husband's entire family out of my life, so I will do what needs to be done. There were two serious narcissists there who hurt us both badly. I'm not taking any more crap from anyone in the time I have left.

I've tried a less emotional communication style, more like hers, but it doesn't seem to work. It's not who I am, and the closer I get to going home, the less I can play games. In fact, I can't make myself do it anymore, no matter what.

If there's a way I can maintain some minor contact without an end, I will, but she is not that kind of person, and I am not the only decision maker here. I can only hope she wakes up. I know she shot back that short answer to my telling her I was hurt, so that she would have the last word, and leave the ball in my court. She now expects me to respond, which once again makes it look like I need her more than she needs me, which will allow her to dominate and dictate rules again, so I won't do it. I will give it a month and if she does not make contact, then I'll decide how to get closure in the classiest way I can.

I agree our nervous systems are much more sensitive than most, and am sure she does not understand how much those comments hurt. However, I don't have the energy to constantly explain these things to "normals" anymore though, especially when I get such defensive reactions.

Thanks for your comments. You hang in there too!

C. Cat

Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

Thank you. I sometimes over analyze Good points!

Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

You are so very welcome! Thank you for the positive input. I sincerely appreciate it.

Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

Yes, you were and it was greatly appreciated. During my first month I had 690 visitors to my site. I changed my site and added more drop downs to be more organized. I expect the next 30 days to be even better. I am so excited. It is as though I am helping every day and not just with problems.

Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

Your are welcome and I do hope it helped. I have so much in my life in which to be grateful, but my childhood wasn't the best either. As an empath I believe these things hurt even more.

You understand people communicate differently. I agree with you.... you are not having this same problem with other people.

Please keep in mind you can't control her behavior. All you can control is how you respond.

Love and light.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Very good point, Chay.

I am tired of having to walk on egg shells in my responses.

I am tired of not being able to say to her that her email ruined my day, gave me a heart arrythmia or made me cry.

The only way I can respond safely right now is like an unfeeling robot, which I am not.

If I were sure this was a choice on her part, the decision would be much less tough. I am still worried that the change in her may be due to dementia or a tumor since she is so different. I was hoping someone might pick up on that, or not, as the case may be. If there is something physically wrong, then I want to be there for her.

Namaste from insomnia land at 3 am,

C. Cat

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Lol....don't worry....I'm not afraid of spirit.....I heard a laugh when I said ominus....lol...and there seems to be some discussions going on.....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Karen,

For some reason there is no "reply" for me to click on under your two most recent posts, so I'm posting as close as I can to them.

My head guide is quite authoritative, sort of like you might imagine the voice of God to be, if you believe God is a being like a man (I don't). He said he did not think I should see what I asked to see because it would make me mad, but I kept pressing and asking and demanding, so he finally showed me and he was very correct, I was angry. That also had nothing to do with this issue. Also, this was done in meditation, so I don't entirely trust it. I only trust guides when I clearly hear their voices inside my head, and that has only happened 3 times in my life and not for 18 yrs. now, despite my pleas for help over my illness, finances, and many more important things.

The only other guide I am aware of is new at it and quite the opposite of the head one. I also feel he may be my husband's guide not mine.

I tried contacting ancestors in my meditation this morning by picturing the oldest ones I know of, my two grandmothers, both of whom came here from Europe. I never met my grandfathers, they died too young. We are not a long lived family. I kept falling asleep though and then had to get up due to an appt. Also, one of my grandmothers never learned English, so all I got was her smiling face. The other one has nothing to say. If you have any tips on how to contact ancestors, please do tell! I am fascinated by the close relationships your culture has to them and the very idea of gaining info that way, one I'd never considered.

Thanks,

C. Cat

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Lol....ok.....now.....it sound to me your having a family spat....I want to address this....and I will....but you need to be patient.....I have to go to work....and will respond as I'm able.....I'm talking to you spirits.....and c.cat....he IS angry at you....

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
last year
1,185 posts

Hi Alison and everyone else who posted,

Gee, its only 7 months after you wrote this post about the loss of my 52 yr. BFF!

I am very sorry it took me so long to realize I had never finished this thread and let any of the people who helped me know what happened.

Alison, your link was to the home page of a college, and I could not find any Values Clarification even using their search engine, but I took your advice and made up my own list. It really helped me see that I'd always had different values than she did in some major ways ,as is often the case with friendships that form in childhood, before we know who we are.

The difference is that in the past we both respected each other's right to hold different opinions. In the past couple of years, she had changed and insisted on having everything her way, including other people's thoughts.... For example, her new BFF were she lives now made millions publishing books of her photos, and this friend continuously insisted to me that photography is NOT art, which I disagreed with ,but did not dare say.

Anyone still subscribed to this thread will get this answer to you, so I will summarize what happened for all in case anyone still remembers this issue or cares. I had not posted in the main forum before and lost track of this. I am only posting now because so many put forth so much effort to help me and I don't want to leave it hanging.

I waited 3 weeks more after the incident, then sent her an email asking if she wanted to discuss it and maybe change from using email to calling, since she claims I misunderstand her in emails. I included a letter with my email that she had written me a couple years earlier about how I am the sister she never had and we'd be stuck like glue with love forever as a reminder of how she used to feel, without actually saying that she had changed. I hoped she'd see it on her own.

Unfortunately for me, she had a memorial to attend that night for the town drunk who'd just died. It is a very small place and they all know each other. She told me she did not want to lose our friendship and would write the next day.

Most of us have attended memorials where we wonder who they are talking about, since they have made someone who made everyone's life miserable into a saint, and we all know most memorials only mention the good things, and sometimes those good things are even made up, but I found out the next day that she actually believes what is said at memorials, which came as a shock to me!

After reassuring me she wanted our friendship and we'd talk the next day, I went to bed confident we'd work it out, but the next morning she wrote a very short email and told me the most important thing to her was to be accepted like that man whose memorial she'd attended, and my "accusing" her of having dementia was not accepting her so she no longer wanted to communicate with me. As a reminder, all I did was ask her in caring way to tell her doctor about her memory and spatial problems, and I think her other so-called friends should have asked her to see a doctor too if they cared at all.

Acceptance is something I don't even want at all, let alone my top desire. I want people to tell me the truth and certainly NOT accept anything I do or say. If I'm being an a**hole, I want to know. To me, those who crave acceptance usually have quite a bit in their past to be ashamed of.

I was glad to end it and furious at how she'd handled it by throwing out the olive branch and then ripping it away, but am still not over it and feel I may never trust anyone again. I felt I had to get rid of anything she'd ever given me, including the letters I had saved about how I was her sister for life, etc. The purge was needed. I simply could not look at things she'd made for me.

I now have whole days where I do not think about this, but still not many and it is going to take longer than 7 mos. to get over it. I am very thankful for all the help you all gave me, and apologize for taking so long to remember this thread.

One good has come from this. Another 54 yr. old friendship has become much closer now, as she realized this woman did not care about her either , so we are now communicating a lot more. She shares my values, if not all my interests, and is confident enough to handle differing views. She also felt constantly put down by this common friend as to her intellect and understood why I felt that way. So, it's not all bad.

Thank you all so much,

Cheshire Cat

Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

You say she talks you talk, treats you like you're stupid, calls you "teenage". You also mention you're very ill. I'd say it's time to sever your relationship for good.

I've had a lot of long-time friendships that I've had to cut off. One "friend" found it boring that I had a life-threatening illness and didn't want to hear about it. I wrote her an email and told her not to contact me ever again because I needed to take care of myself. I also advised her to join AA. Another friend, like yours, got me through some very tough spots in my life. But he remained verbally abusive and I cut him off too. I don't feel guilty about it and I don't regret it.

I have a few friendship rules, and I don't think they're too harsh. 1) Don't put me down or belittle me. 2) Don't laugh at me. 3) Don't shrug off my problems while yakking on and on about yours. 4) Don't cling to me as if I'm your only friend in the world. You're far too heavy for me to carry, sorry.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
last year
1,185 posts

Hi Visitor,

I am sorry. This is a very old thread and I should have put my final update at the very end instead of in response to someone I'd not had time to answer before, which is where I put it. If you looked at the last reply, you would have seen this was resolved in July, 2015 by her ending the relationship when I tried to talk about it.

I will go add a post at the very end of the thread for those who still wonder how it turned out.

I think your criteria for friendship is very good. I have ended many other friendships using pretty much the same criteria, but none of them had lasted 54 years. It still hurts and probably always will, but I just keep on keeping' on.

Thanks for the honest opinion. You were right!

Cheshire Cat

Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

Thanks, Cheshire. I'm glad you ended the relationship. I used to believe in loyalty, but some people really push you too far.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
last year
1,185 posts

To all who posted on this thread,

I just want to thank everyone who gave me so much input over this problem. I'd forgotten about this thread, since it was my first thread here and did not let anyone know how it turned out, so am trying to make up for that .

My 54 yr. BFF ended the relationship when I emailed her after a month of no contact to ask if she was ready to talk about it. She said I did not 'accept" her as she was, which was so untrue I gasped. It was pure projection, since I was the one who'd done all the accepting.

She said I "accused" her of having Alzheimer's, when I'd actually just asked her out of concern to please tell her doctor next time she saw her about her severe memory problems, her having to have emails separated into two sentence paragraphs with space between them to read them, and her forgetting all questions asked in email unless I clearly labeled them "QUESTION" in caps. She takes a med that raises risk for dementia a lot and both her parents had Alzheimer's, so I was concerned, as she is now 67.

One video I watched about ending friendships said if there are never any arguments, which she would not allow, one person is always "swallowing hard and seething inside" and that person was me.

I was glad to end the walking on eggshells, and felt freer, but dont' feel I will ever trust anyone again, which may be a good thing, since I am normally way too trusting, and much too soon.

Thanks to everyone who posted. You were all a great help.

Cheshire Cat

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