Of course I decide to post this as my first post. Of course. Hi! I've been poking around here for a long time, but I've never taken the plunge and actually signed up. I guess because I'm shy, but also because talking about it made it a bit too real. I was in denial for a long time.
I've been pretty sure I'm an empath for much of my life, even if for much of it I've pretended it was just really good guesses and analysis. I've always been really good with people and knowing their emotions, though admittedly I've had a lot of trouble dealing with the side effects. Used to be that I couldn't enter a public place without headphones and not feel absolutely overwhelmed by... I guess the best way to describe it is noise? Not a sound in my ears, but still loud. That's the only way I've been able to describe it to my friends. I'm pretty good at handling it now by focusing on people that I'm with, but sometimes I still feel a bit sick depending on the place. It also seems like the closer I am with people, the more potent the connection.
I've never really wanted to put much stock in the whole thing. Oftentimes I felt like I was a fraud gaming everyone, including myself because I couldn't just make it happen on command. In fact, the more I struggled to control it, the further it got away from me. Seems like I can only really use it properly if I just let it happen. Stuff like this apparently runs in my family though, so I guess it got harder to ignore the older I got. Not been too good with relationships, mostly because I could never meet anybody I connected with. I mean, sure, I can connect with most people to help them, but it was never two way, which I secretly was craving. It's like other people have a compulsion to seek us out and share all their pain, but are utterly blind to the effect that life has on us. I'm not complaining. It's just lonely when nobody gets you. I have never been in love for these reasons.
I guess the reason I am here is because of a situation that's come up recently. While I was browsing a dating site (oh god. I'm so bad with these), I came across somebody that I immediately felt compelled to stop on. Something about his eyes told me I had to message him. After talking to him a bit, I know he's a lot like I am. I like talking to him. A lot. But then I come back to the fact that I'm terrible with opening up enough to be in a relationship. And yet somehow, oh hey! This guy's exactly the same! I've told him I just want to be friends for now, and I mean it, and yet somehow... Ugh. This is so embarrassing to say. I feel like I'm being lead along? Not by him of course. I just feel like I'm being compelled to do this by something. I've even had a situation before I really started talking to him where I was half asleep and somehow focused on the tv, which said his name and the words "You need to talk to him one on one as soon as you can." which made me jump out of being half asleep.
Like, don't get me wrong. I've had situations where I hear something and I swear it's like the words jump out at me in that moment in time. Usually something comforting and telling me to stay strong when I feel bad. But this is different. And I have no idea what it means. I'm perfectly content to just have a like minded person as a friend, but there's a part of me that's incredibly nervous. I'm seriously wondering if it's just because I don't normally feel anything other than the normal gentle yet powerful love for everybody that I've always had. This person has me twisted up in knots and confused, and wanting to run away but not at the same time. Is there a precedent for something like this? I can't talk about this with my friends because they don't really understand. I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. Gosh, I feel like such a little kid haha.
EDIT: Okay, just a little update. I've just been letting the flow go as I've been talking with this person, and this is getting a little weird. There's so many parallels of thinking and experience that it's starting to feel like I've met a living breathing mirror. Not saying the personalities are the exact same, but it's getting really eerie.
updated by @crimsoncoat: 05/10/17 02:17:20PM