I do not even know where to start from... but I know I just hate the environment I am in right now, once again. I don't know why I keep listening to others instead of myself. Why I don't cater for my own well being more. Why I have to meet stupid, weird and twisted people again and again. From the happy go lucky person that i was or could be, I'll soon develop a bad form of social anxiety if this keeps going on, as if I didn' t have to fight off depression too for similar reasons. Right now, to make a resume, my roommate voluntarily told me that she had to see a psychiatrist, had and has nervous breakdowns, had countless abusive relationships (and she keeps getting into them obviously even though she thinks very high of herself that she can see and accept stuff about herself) and has a pathological problem that makes her hands shake most of the time. Her eating habbits are pretty horrible and so were her sleeping ones. I won't even start mentioning about mess in the room and how she was literally the most ill-talked of the whole dorm, and I started to understand why, though I had to move because the other girls were even worse from other points of view, such as total lack of mutual respect or any kind of understanding and me not being able to get enough sleep and being late for college. Now also add the fact that the city/capital in itself is... ok, maybe not horrible, but a very inappropriate place for meditation or creative pursuits. And all you see most of the time are tired people with sad faces and lack of ambition or passion for what they're doing, or simply, shallow, who have forgotten the unspoken language of body, mind... and it's like a spreading plague... I really don't feellike I need someone to suddenly have a mental breakdown, pick a broomstick and said that she won't let me sleep all night because I woke her up after she closed the door and locked me on the outside by mistake after I accidentally broke a mirror of hers and even told her I am buying a new one (and up until then she behaved as if we're friends and told me all kinds of stuff). And she's only a friggin college student with a not so good economical situation, not a friggin raped, war refugee. But it seems that both a stressful society + negative influences and war are able to create equally horrible, messed up people and erase any traces of humanity.
I won't even start about how mad I am at people in general acting like sheep with no personal opinion andlll money mongers. It really looks like we're different alien branches trying to co-exist (and basically only one or two branches actively care for that ) and the other one/s should "do a nick" and get out once and for all for their own well being)
Now joking aside (or who knows? lmao), how do you deal with such things? I'm not doing any major in psychiatry so I won't transform my dormmate special cases into subjects for my studies, but it's like they are pleading you to treat them in the lowest way possible so that they don't suddenly believe they are superior just because the other one is kind and does not treat the like a muck, the same way others do. I think a good deal of today's society is massochistic. Think only of how many with ongoing health problems give up and abandon themselves in the realms of internet, eat unhealthy stuff and so on, walking with an atrophied consciousness while something inside me gets revolted at so many things. And about myself, it won't and i'll take care of it so that it does not change... but... I don't understand what is the point in everything. Why choose restlesness, hypocrisy, agitation instead of peace or love? Now seriously... why is there so much energy wasted in all directions, so many trivial matters being made huge things, and why are there so many people so feeble in heart and mind and easily swayed away from (pure) principles? Also, how can people forget things so easily??? From universal laws to others... it's just uugh, I don't like it at all, I just don't "Normal" people would call you a child that hasn't yet "seen" "life" for talking about a better vision or cause, as if giving in and becoming a hopeless sad worker is so much better, yeaah, totally >_> (and after having said these then just proceed to complain about how unlucky are in life once again). My life is neither sad nor unlucky, but my own imagination and principles are being pressed down by weird and unlucky encounters somehow because I chose them more or less after being warned... Internally I am close to going back to not liking people at all in general like I felt when I was little (on the other hand I get along exceptionally well with animals and kids...) and obviously with those people that are more artistic & from which you can sense love or understanding & co ^^ And for some reason, there aren't many... I am trying to fix some of my views upon certain things but...
updated by @kate: 07/18/17 12:40:31PM