Firstly I wanna say...I am not even sure why I am posting this here. I guess I just feel I would like to share my experience with people who are not judging me or who are not afraid to talk about their depression cause where I live ...talking about it is almost a no-go... so it is impossible to speak with someone who is open about what they feel or either to talk to someone who is not encouraging you to 'shake it off and move on' ..'you have to be strong and get through it'
A short summery.... I am almost 24 and from Austria. I was living in London till New Year and on 1st of January I fell into the deepest down I've ever experienced so far.
I was not able to go to work anymore and had a really bad gastritis.
I was forced to move back home to my country as it was not possible for me to pay my bills in London anymore and in Austria we luckily have a good social system and I have family and my best friend on which sofa I am living since January.
So I was going to my psychiatrist who I am working with for the past 4 years. Now, obviously I am seeing her every week and all the money I get from benefits I spend in seeing her.
Well I got better...much better...I felt ready to get back to my life again...but nothing turned up. No place to live or job ... without money ...what can you do.
so I gave up my dream of going back to London, of living abroad as I thought it is just not meant to be and in my mental instability I am also not ready to be on my own again ....
so I started to try to settle down here in Austria again which is a big big challange for me...Austria is very very narrow minded ...there are very little places where you can find people like us (I havent found one for me so far) and there is a lot of discrimination about race, people who are different then the norm and there is almost no space to express yourself.
anyway...what I actually want to share is what happened yesterday.
In the morning I was applying at a fitness studio in the closest city to where I live now... Fitness is my passion I would love to start working in the industry. (I used to work as a massage therapist)... in the afternoon I suddenly got a call and had a small telephone interview with one of the company manager...2 hourse later another manager was calling to make a trial working day for the next day.... and then it happened....total break down. I couldn't stop crying ... I felt I am not ready to go to that trial day. I cant explain why, or what was giving me the idea of not being able to go there but I just couldnt. It felt so wrong just thinking about it. I am so angry...angry that things that feel right for me are not turning up ...and things my mind and body refuces to do are turning up for me.
Can anybody tell me why that is?
How am I ever able to move on in my life again?
I am home for 4 months now and I am still not able to go even to a trial work day. how am I ever going to be able to work 5 days a week again?
How does the recovery from a total break down come again?
Do I just need to wait for the moment where I am able to take the next possibility of a trial work day .... or do I really need to get over it one day and just do it even it I feel a thousend stones puching me away from it?
What comes next?
4 months of countinuously breaking down.... what comes next? What do i need to wait for? How am I ever going to be able to live a 'normal' -earning money kinda life again?
I am alone...no relationship...How would somebody fall in love with a person who is that mentally fucked up that I am? I know it sounds rough...but how? Am I ever going to meet a person who loves me for the emotional desaster I am?
Does anybody out there have the same problems...suffering from depression and NOT having a partner ? Cause I think the fear of staying alone...of not finding someone is like so much bigger when you realize how difficult your life is even for yourself...
Puh I guess my text has become kinda confusing ...hm however I would be happy to hear your thoughts or either your experiences about depressions or expecially total break downs....
I really appreciate it!
Thanks for your time
Lots of Love
updated by @conny: 03/16/17 09:54:29PM