another post about depression ...

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Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts

Hello all

Firstly I wanna say...I am not even sure why I am posting this here. I guess I just feel I would like to share my experience with people who are not judging me or who are not afraid to talk about their depression cause where I live ...talking about it is almost a no-go... so it is impossible to speak with someone who is open about what they feel or either to talk to someone who is not encouraging you to 'shake it off and move on' ..'you have to be strong and get through it'

A short summery.... I am almost 24 and from Austria. I was living in London till New Year and on 1st of January I fell into the deepest down I've ever experienced so far.

I was not able to go to work anymore and had a really bad gastritis.

I was forced to move back home to my country as it was not possible for me to pay my bills in London anymore and in Austria we luckily have a good social system and I have family and my best friend on which sofa I am living since January.

So I was going to my psychiatrist who I am working with for the past 4 years. Now, obviously I am seeing her every week and all the money I get from benefits I spend in seeing her.

Well I got better...much better...I felt ready to get back to my life again...but nothing turned up. No place to live or job ... without money ...what can you do.

so I gave up my dream of going back to London, of living abroad as I thought it is just not meant to be and in my mental instability I am also not ready to be on my own again ....

so I started to try to settle down here in Austria again which is a big big challange for me...Austria is very very narrow minded ...there are very little places where you can find people like us (I havent found one for me so far) and there is a lot of discrimination about race, people who are different then the norm and there is almost no space to express yourself.

anyway...what I actually want to share is what happened yesterday.

In the morning I was applying at a fitness studio in the closest city to where I live now... Fitness is my passion I would love to start working in the industry. (I used to work as a massage therapist)... in the afternoon I suddenly got a call and had a small telephone interview with one of the company manager...2 hourse later another manager was calling to make a trial working day for the next day.... and then it happened....total break down. I couldn't stop crying ... I felt I am not ready to go to that trial day. I cant explain why, or what was giving me the idea of not being able to go there but I just couldnt. It felt so wrong just thinking about it. I am so angry...angry that things that feel right for me are not turning up ...and things my mind and body refuces to do are turning up for me.

Can anybody tell me why that is?

How am I ever able to move on in my life again?

I am home for 4 months now and I am still not able to go even to a trial work day. how am I ever going to be able to work 5 days a week again?

How does the recovery from a total break down come again?

Do I just need to wait for the moment where I am able to take the next possibility of a trial work day .... or do I really need to get over it one day and just do it even it I feel a thousend stones puching me away from it?

What comes next?

4 months of countinuously breaking down.... what comes next? What do i need to wait for? How am I ever going to be able to live a 'normal' -earning money kinda life again?

I am alone...no relationship...How would somebody fall in love with a person who is that mentally fucked up that I am? I know it sounds rough...but how? Am I ever going to meet a person who loves me for the emotional desaster I am?

Does anybody out there have the same problems...suffering from depression and NOT having a partner ? Cause I think the fear of staying alone...of not finding someone is like so much bigger when you realize how difficult your life is even for yourself...

Puh I guess my text has become kinda confusing ...hm however I would be happy to hear your thoughts or either your experiences about depressions or expecially total break downs....

I really appreciate it!

Thanks for your time

Lots of Love

Conny


updated by @conny: 03/16/17 09:54:29PM
Emmy Long
@emmy-long
2 years ago
484 posts
Depression is a rotten disease. It's like a vicious circle. You're depressed because you don't have a job, but you're too depressed to get a job. Now I'm not trying to tell you to "just get over it". I've been there. Depression doesn't work that way. But you do have to put up a big fight to beat it. If you've been given a chance with a trial day at work, you have to push hard past all of things in your head telling you that you can't do it, that you're not good enough. You just have to go to the trial day, and prove to all those awful things in your head that you can do it. It won't fix the depression, but it's a step in the right direction. Depression isn't something you just "get over" it's something you work hard to beat over time. Baby steps. Slowly start challenging all of your insecurities. I just know you can do it. <3 sending love and light your way.
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
HeyThanks for your reply... You know the crazy thing is. It's not about the fear that I not good enough! Not at all... It sounds weird but I have these real downs but not because I think I an awful person or I don't love myself or think I am not good enough.That's the thing... I am self confident. I am aware of myself of my gifts, my strengh ...It's more that I don't want to do it... It feels wrong... It feels not like what I am supposed to do... But on the other hand I have no clue what I am supposed to do...It's all so complicated.Thanks for you replyLots of loveConny
Emmy Long
@emmy-long
2 years ago
484 posts
Maybe that's it. Maybe it IS wrong. <3 It's hard when we don't know the universe's plan for us. Perhaps something is coming your way and life is keeping your schedule open for it. You should check out the ascension group on this site. You might find a lot of your symptoms match what others are going through or have gone through already. :)
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
Hey EmmyYeah... Hihi that's exactly what my therapist said today... I should be proud to be able to feel if something is not supposed to be and the universe has a plan... So I should trust in my intuition and that when the job or plan comes which is supposed to be then I will feel ready for it :)Thanks a lot for your repliesConny
Kithor
@kithor
2 years ago
17 posts

I had a problem where I couldn't tell whether my intuition was telling me to pass and walk away from something or if I was depressed/anxious and felt like I couldn't do it. It took awhile for me to realize that it wasn't actually the latter. If your intuition is telling you to pass on it, then perhaps there is a good reason for it. It's tough having the patience to follow your intuition when it isn't revealed why you should pass, but perhaps there is a better opportunity just around the corner. For me, the most difficult thing to accept is my intuition giving me an answer before I have the question, and following that answer without knowing why. Whether it is depression or anxiety or impatience, Emmy has it right. It is a vicious cycle, and once you step in a paradox, it can be very difficult to get out. It takes a lot of willpower and determination to keep pushing forward especially without clear expectations.

Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
Thank you so much for this reply.Yes I totally agree. Now I feel that it was intuition speaking and I am proud that I am actually on a point where I do what my heart tells me and not what my mind is telling me .But yes it's indeed difficult at the time to be aware if it is intuition or anxiety ...Thanks againLots of loveconny
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
HelloUnfortunately, I really do agree with that. i also believe we are born with depressions and sometimes I am wondering if there should be another way figured out for empaths if you know what I mean.I've read a lot about it and to be honest ... Will empaths ever be free from depressives times.. I don't think so...:(Is there any long years experienced empath who can say it always , without exception has it's gift under 'control' and doesn't take others emotions/energies too close?!Thanks for your reply ... And I totally share your the love to art and music... i write to clear my head... And music just gives me a boost so many times as well.conny
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
Hello youThank you also to share with me!It is tough to admit and to say 'yes I suffer from depressions'! Absolutely agree!And I've heard the get over it part so many times as well... That's the most annoying thing if you ask me. I am on a point when somebody is telling me something like that I tell them to shut up and not to give advice to people about something they obviously don't know anything about. Most of the time they are quiet then... But still it hurts doesn't it!Yes I so love the endorphin cocktail fitness is giving you! Some idea in my head is also to work with people with depression and to help them with getting them to do some sports... To find a sport that suits every single person... A problem I often have as well is that sometimes when I am down , it's so hard to motivate myself and I have nobody who is around me who says 'come in let's go'...I feel you! Thanks you again for your replylots of loveconny
Reckless
@reckless
2 years ago
117 posts
At least you're not me.

Ive had more than enough bosses hate me to where I can't get a raise. They were so immature. I was young and making min wage but I was highly despised by the upper management no matter how hard I worked. Had lazy coworkers and my work would be piled up. I eventually quit. I had to do it in a tacky way too.

I had a gf that I thought was so good. She left me for her boss. Then she'd visit me at work to say she missed me and lead me to nothing.

I crashed my car on the night of my bday...

My house burnt down

My family is not there for me. They all turned their back to me for a stranger. Called me a liar even when they knew the other person was lying. They just did not care for me. When things were good they would not leave me alone with bad news. As soon as things got bad for me they were so happy and couldn't help but mention my misfortune. But I am a very strong minded person. I got better than all of them during a bad time and they dislike me more yet they try to be like me..

Friends? I don't have that. The guys that acted like my friend only liked my company because I attract women. Women who acted like my friends left after my ex.

It doesn't help that I have to worry about death every night. Criminals dislike me because I make so much money yet Im not their enemy.

If you were me for a day, then you'd enjoy it because the outside world is so kind. You'd hate it because in your world you are not liked and you know it.It took a while. After I was done feeling Sorry for myself and wanted to do something about it, I did.
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
Thank you so much for sharing with me:)Yes I believe it takes a while to take it as a gift... But yes I do feel proud of myself to be so connected to my inner voice :)lots of love
Conny
@conny
2 years ago
28 posts
Hey Daniel,It's sounds like you were/are going through a really tough time.My love goes to youHope you are doing okay.Conny

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