Hello everybody and happy christmas/holidays!
It might probably be weird that I'm starting such a subject now but I guess that on another hand it is a time of actually listening to your heart a bit.
I don't know how to name it but I had to work with some horribly difficult people up until now and I others barely understand it, while, of course, asking the same things from me. I think I have accumulated quite some sadness in there as I can't remember how many times I've put my heart or hopr into something and it's like it has just been consumed instead of used for anything good . Even though I feel when something is bound to fail I still try to help and now I wonder why, why do I have to bring myself to such an emotional state trying to make more people governs their life, what it means to be calm, to not swear, to not gossip like it's the end of the world, to walk without masks and accepy kindness and sincerity instead of bashing them like they're some sort of weakness. I feel fed up by the community I'm in but it would be futile to name all the things that are happening and how sad I can be upon meeting so many lost people and being unable to at least be strong myself and showing them its better to first search within yourself and then in others... I try to recuperate after a hard year yet again when I think I finally can something happens, I meet someone that likes to throw with sticks and stones and then I have to start it all over again.
I don't know, I'm just so deeply sad and disappointed in others and in myself a bit maybe that i can't help but feel like i'm not understood at all, like only kids and animals and a few other rarer people realise what's truly good in this world and how stuff works... that the premises for a disaster gather beforehand and nothing happens just "suddenly" and "out of nowhere" and "because life has something against them", the way gifts of heart and mind are pittied and instead lies and thefts of all kinds are better off in a freakin post-communist society, where you will never see happy weird grandmas giving a dragon necklace as a gift for example, as if playfulness of spirit or happiness are a crime when you're older than 10, and sleeping around with 3 different guys and having tantrums and being a jackass is much more socially acceptable. And I'm honestly just observing these around myself and I cannot help but say one thing: it's like I'm a spectator watching beings stabbing themselves and then wondering why is god doing this to them, and now not being young anymore I have to play my role which... cannot be and is not the same. I'm deeply .. fed up with everything, and I don't even need much, I'm pretty self-sufficient, sometimes i just don't want to describe anything at all, but again, but again, I don't only feel not understood, but misunderstood I have had the ocassion to travel abroad with different activities and I've met such wonderful people and settings... so this is probably why I criticise what I see here and feel so depleted by my own environment in a capital where everyone goes because of money and necessity....
But that's another thing, I constantly wish to be in other places. Even within myself seems a bit better, even though I actually really enjoy to make new friendships with people and movement and all... it's literally weird to be truly happy and calm here, to know your path, its like you're an extra terrestrian of some kind and I feel so freakin annoyed I can't find words for it!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING? I know I should be glad I wasn't born in a poor african country or in the time of public executions or that I don't have god knows what desease and that my family is ok and all. But it's not like that... my path would have been different from the start in such cases. Being in a sad society where it feels weird to be happy and talk freely saddens me a lot because I have to build different kinds of things and I can't. From the agitation I sense when meditating to the things I still haven't clarified within myself... and because I don't want to share my hard thoughts with the people that can't take it I have refused possible boyfriends (well not entirely but stil...) since I've known myself. I don't know why but ever since I was little everything around myself was real and serioys, and yet in all this and after doing my job I could be happy: happier than many other people, happy watching birds, a tree, a dog eating, happy helping people that needed it and happy seeing other people choosing good over bad or helping a stray animal.
But it's hard to be like that or standing up for something you believe in... at one point you simply wonder why? how do you guys deal with these?
updated by @kate: 05/08/17 05:08:02AM