Just a few minutes ago, I dreamed I accidentally ran a red light, and didn't realize I was doing it until I was in the middle of the intersection and it was too late. I ended up only getting a tiny scratch on my car, but a bunch of people ended up wrecking their cars as a result. No one died or were seriously hurt, but some of the cars were pretty smashed up. I believe there were ten other cars in the wreck. I'm not sure, but I think that was the number.
This feels unnerving to me, as today I plan to out myself publicly as having resigned from my church. I resigned last Saturday by an email, but my church tries to make it difficult and harasses people who resign, so I got a lawyer to handle it, as he is processing resignation letters pro bono for people leaving en masse right now. The church will speed up the process and stop the harassing if you get a lawyer, because they are afraid of legal action. The church came out with a policy that bars children of same-sex couples from blessings and membership until they turn 18, move out of their parents' home and renounce their parents' lifestyle. It's the last straw for many people--including me and some of my kids, and people are leaving by the thousands. Today I am attending a mass resignation event that will likely be covered by the national media, and then I plan on posting to Facebook that I have resigned, and that I was part of that event. I need to go to the event to show that I refuse to be a part of an organization that treats children this way. I need to go to support friends that are suffering and I need to go to help me be brave and learn to be myself out loud and not sneak what my real feelings are about the church and my life because I'm afraid it will hurt someone. I need to stop being small and allow myself to say how I feel out loud.
This will break my parent's hearts, and some friends and family's hearts. Even some of the people who understand and support me will likely be sad. Leaving a church like the one I left is no small thing. They write you out and say you no longer go to heaven, you lose your spouse and kids for eternity, you lose all blessings and promises you got in the church, and they make it like you don't even exist. When my parents go to look at their records, it will say they have no daughter or grandkids from me. It is super-crazy spiritual blackmail and not a place for an empath.
I think this dream represents my fears that I might be doing the wrong thing and causing pain to many. I know I'm doing the right thing for me, but I guess there is still a small part of me that is still afraid and still processing. I'm going to have to be brave and stand up for what I believe today and I hope it is not accidentally dangerous or causes a metaphorical ten car pile-up in its wake. Wish me luck!!
updated by @sarah: 03/01/17 06:34:01PM