The Inverted Flame (Box of Frogs 13)
This is a bit of an oddball but hopefully will very briefly outline "dark" I have been priviledged of late to experience a peace, love and light that I have never experienced before and it is with my eternal gratitude that I give to you my thanks and my "unconditional love".
I stand alone at the top of the mountain looking out across a view that defies belief, this is breathtakingly beautiful, to be able to breathe in the scenery, the trees, mountains, meadows, streams and to be able to become one with all that is good. This community is me, I am the community and we are 1... We stand alone together.
There is a storm coming the dark clouds with their purple haze, the grey clouds with their fluffy edges and with every storm something new something unique an appeal that attracts at least one. This time it has attracted me.
I stand and stare at this wonderous creation coming towards me this storm is awesome for as it creeps across the sky and day turns almost to night in the trail of the shadows cast, I cant help but wonder why so many storms are late evening and run into the night. I consider my options carefully and decide to head home.
The darkness of the storm is upon me as I walk carefully down the mountain avoiding slippery ground under foot whilst wiping the rain from my eyes. A bolt of lightening followed by an immediate thunderous round of applause makes me jump, I turn and see the steam rising from the rock it has struck, the round of applause was almost mocking as I jumped and caught my moment of fear before regaining composure to continue on my way. The rain is heavy and I feel I have gained 50lbs, the rain with the fresh mists rising have reduced my vision to short range combined with the slippery grass underfoot and the noise of the storm, fear is settling upon me. Maybe this is a journey to put off til tomorrow... I slip and tear my trouser leg, the warm blood is a comforting sensation against the pain of the cut skin.
I sit and rest under a tree wrapping and tucking my trouser leg into my sock to stop it from flapping, the blood has stopped flowing the coldness of the sweeping rain taking the warmth and helping it to congeal. It would be easy to rest and sleep I feel heavy, sluggish, my speech is slurred my legs are refusing to co-operate.
It is dark from the shadow of the tree and the shadows from the dark skys sweep across the landscape, the once beautiful colours tarnished with a dulling from the storm. I see the branch to late and feel the thorns as it whips across my face, I feel the relief as the blood once again flows from within and the easy sensations from the warm blood arouse me. I am forced to limp and am now forced to hold my head low, I want to walk tall with head held high but alas I cannot the situation is against me. I feel the inner scream rising. "This is not what I do, I am not alone."
I stand tall and lift my head I am proud I do not deserve this! I look as far as I can but the darkness is here, the fog has come down and this fog is thick I stretch out my arm and struggle to see my hand, I look down and am unable to see the ground, I look up and the darkness is close. I struggle to understand how I got here, I could be anywhere, no where the only thing I know for sure is this is my problem and so go on I must. I promise myself "I will not surrender", I take an oath and promise myself that all will be well. The darkness has changed again, the fog has been replaced with water it is like walking through water black dark water, breathing is difficult I find myself breathing very slowly as if dragging the oxygen from a filter as I breathe I realise I am unable to move fast, with head held low and limping I am now unable to stretch as the effort will be to much. My inner flame is small it is hiding it is seeking companion, my once burning flame that attracted so many and shone so brightly within the community is now a smouldering ember with no light to help it burn it has turned to an ember covered in a crust of ash. I feel the shard of the rock as it tears at my leg, I fall and know this will hurt I cannot see where I fall, I attempt to judo roll but instead manage a half twist. I have protected my beautiful face as my shoulder strikes the hard ground and I feel my body sliding along the harsh stoney ground as it tears flesh from my arm in my efforts to protect my face. I now realise I am alone...
Before it was dark but now it is black, before it was like walking through a dark water and it was possible to breathe and move but the water has changed, it is like walking through a black sand storm. The sand is black and it is sharp it tears at the flesh when I move, the pain is beyond comprehension I have choices to make stand and breathe or move? I cannot do both! I stoop and shield my face as I try to breathe in enough energy to move the one step that it will take to move forward. My once beautiful face has been torn, my temple like body that I worshipped is all but gone. My flame within is now heavy and encrusted with ash and is laying in the pit of my stomach it no longer burns, it is instead? waiting for the end to come!
"I am Me" my inner scream echos, but the echo doesnt echo instead it lands like a caught fish floundering at my feet. The black has changed it is no longer black, black was recognisable it was distinct it was almost welcoming because it was the only thing I could recognise but now this is new territory this is something -BARBARIC- I wanted to go back along the same path maybe I could make it, maybe I could get back to the dark water and maybe build strength? I questioned myself and asked the 1000 questions that one does when seeking something. I tried to step forward and looked forward to the pain I knew would come but the pain wasnt there because the pain barrier was gone, I removed my clothes to experience the fresh blackness but felt nothing as the sand tore at the remaining flesh. I looked but could not see, I moved but did not move, I tried to remember anything but there was no memory, I stood and waited and for what I did not know. It came with such barbaric ferocity it was impossible to defend against, wave upon wave of nothingness it was relentless and without mercy and it stopped for only as long as it takes to recognise that it stopped before beginning again. I understand the difference between nothing and waves of nothing and almost amuse myself trying to calculate the wave of nothing against what is nothing and I laugh at my isolation and depraved attempt at what has become normality. How long I am here I do not know, how long I have been here matters not and how long I remain here is not my choice...
I hear my girlfriend calling and I open my eyes and look at her... My angel... My destiny... My Saviour... and I weep...
She sits beside me in this snug of rocks and we are protected from the elements, she stretches her lil stubby arms around my broad sholders her tiny hands sneak into mine and I am safe, I check my watch and realise just 5 mins have passed and as we walk along in the quiet serenty of mother earths delights my future wife turned and said in her angelic scottish accent "you are my man." To which I replied "unconditional love" and we became one.