bijoublue

Category: Healing

Surrender exposes your hidden fears?


By bijoublue, 2017-03-04
Two years ago I had a spontaneous kundalini awakening. I wasn't familiar with this concept, I wasn't trying to reach a higher consciousness, I wasn't working towards enlightenment. I didn't know I wasn't conscious. I did know I died.

In childhood I had a powerful innate intuitive relationship with god and the spiritual world.
I wasn't taught about spirituality or religion by my parents. They did not have a faith based belief system, so my relationship with my spirituality was kept hidden from them.

Raised in an home with the textbook narcissistic family structure, communication is dysfunctionally oppressed and it's kept that way through threats of rejection or abandonment.

I was parentified starting in 2nd grade.
I knew the truth of who my mom was and how terrible her abuse was towards my sister. I knew my mom was lying when she blamed my sister for the family dysfunction.
I knew.
I vowed to not be like her.

Instead, I married her.

C-PTSD took me out of life. The trauma of the abusive marriage triggered my old wounds that I didn't know I had.

The survival instinct will change how you think and it will hide how unsafe and fearful you felt as a child. My brain knew my mom was abusive, aggressive, violent and unable to love.. but it blocked me from seeing I was abused too. The lost child who's purpose was to emotionally support her fragile mom. Was unloved, exploited and abused too.

It's the wound of aloneness

I lost part of my soul and I became conditIoned and experienced living the human condition. I lived in body. Part of My soul went into hiding.

Not having a hold on my reality I left the marriage and worked on healing.

The kundalini was a response to trauma healing. I thought I was having a break down. Things surfaced so fast I had no choice but to process it. I laid on my bedroom floor and grieved for my whole family, including my mom. It was a feeling I had not experienced before.
When I surrendered to the fear of feeling these feelings... it stopped and I was filled with unconditional love and humility.
I saw my shadow and instead of hating it and hiding it, I understood it and accepted it. I had reached self love and self acceptance. I experienced pure enlightenment for about a week. But I was forever changed.

I was shown truth. But the ego, it just gets new attachments, If we don't resolve the fear. For two years I've been in different places, different levels of awareness. I doubted my experience and I just wanted my life back.

The process continued as I received more knowledge and more clarity and I don't know how I knew things. My awareness moved past self awareness to family awareness to world awareness.

I saw the veil of deceit and realized I've always seen it and that shows in my apathy towards politics, I don't vote and I have no clue what's going on.
My inability to conform to corporate America.. but somehow managed a successful career.
The beliefs I had about institutions as s while, reflected what I found to be true.

All of this was inside me the whole time, but I lacked awareness.

The last thing to surface were my fears I was oblivious to.

This was also the hardest part.

My fears happened, every single one. What I fought my entire life to keep myself safe from experiencing rejection, failure, success, and mostly my mothers abandonment, I made it happen.. it was me that subconsciously put myself in positions or acted in ways that would make my hidden fears a reality.

It took awhile to process, but by experiencing those fears and surviving them, it released them. It brought them up and out. I finally understood.
My childhood resulted in the hidden negative belief that I'm not worthy of happiness or success. I was a subconscious self sabotager controlled by fear.

The journey to my core was amazing. It felt terrible, but with every moment of feeling terrible, I got deeper.
With complete surrender, I got answers.

With answers... I detached and let go. There was pain.. there was fear that I wouldn't survive, mostly My moms abandonment, and when it happened I felt like I was dying, it was unbearable. I floated in between consciousness and ego.. I wasn't in either place, I had no identity. I was just energy.

There is no good or bad, right or wrong.

Everything just is..

I forgave myself and my family and I feel compassion for their pain.

Then I walked into my power.

I am free.

I am.

It occurred to me, is it what we fight the hardest for what we fear?

Life isn't meant to be a struggle.

Fear controls you and steals your free will.

It was with surrender at every level that I eventually retrieved my soul fragment.

I integrated my left and right hemisphere of my brain. I have logic now. I wasn't living in just the emotional body or right brain anymore.
I have Integration of thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

I have balance in the mind, body and soul.

I did this alone. Without guidance from a therapist.

This is in all of us. We know everything already, we just don't know that we know.
We all have miraculous abilities to heal ourselves and raise our consciousness.

I felt energy my whole life. I knew that everything is made of energy, that energy is life.

Now I see how we are all one in this energy.

I see how life is love.

When we lose fear and move into love based thinking. We become alive.

This is because we live in the moment and we understand that the moment is all that exists. Their is no past or future.

Fear is an illusion. It doesn't exist in the world. It exists in our minds created by how we think. It's survival instinct gone haywire.

Love is existence. You feel it when you don't think.

Surrender was my answer.
Posted in: Healing | 3 comments

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