By AnneRose, 2015-08-17
My last blog post was very stressed, I was in a bad place. I can change attitudes (mood swing) very quickly, go from the happiest person on earth to oh my goodness it's the worst day ever, get out of my way, I am angry, no I don't know why and would not explain it to you if I did, you should know not even to ask!!! But I am in a good mood this morning, everything went right with getting the kids to school. I decided to control the music this morning and we went topless ( for clarification I drive a Jeep Sahara). My school commute today began with "I don't like it" and ended with "I don't like it". That is a fun song and after dropping the last kid off I googled it and blasted it all the way home. My neighbors are probably not amused. We actually got out early this morning so traffic was not bad and that is always a good thing.
So what have I learned about myself in the last year after figuring out that I am an empath?
Well for one I no longer think I am crazy.
I now understand why I don't have many friends and it doesn't bother me as much. Sure I still see groups of ladies going out for girl's night out and in away I wish I had that but then I think, no, not really, I don't do well in groups especially with groups of woman because let's face it, woman can be mean and there is the gossip factor and judgement, that is not something I would want to deal with even if I were normal.
That's another thing I have learned, I am not normal and that's ok. I am ........ well.....I am what I am.
I have learned that I do have the ability to say no. Wow, yep, I can say no and actually mean it and actually stick to it.
I have learned that it's not my fault. It's not my fault that my relationships with family and friends isn't ideal. People don't really push me away but because of how I am they treat me differently. I spent a good portion of my childhood being bullied for no other reason than I was an emotional child. This came from school mates as well as family. They don't see it as a bad thing, maybe I just needed a bit of toughen up but they have no idea how much it hurt to be called names. Especially when I didn't understand why I felt the way I did.
I have learned it's ok to separate myself, to disconnect when negative feelings come my way, as long as it is short term. It's not ok to close myself off long term which I use to do before I knew. Some people in my life that I love dearly hurt me without knowing they hurt me because I can feel them and what they are feeling about me even when they are smiling. So when I am around them I disconnect. I am learning how to disconnect instead of it being automatic. Use to as soon as I found out they were going to be around my guards went up but now I am better able to assess the situation and determine whether or not my guards need to be up.
I have also learned that it's ok to let people be mad at me, as long as it is not something that I need to apologize for. If it is my fault then I will do what I have to do to correct the situation. But if they get upset with me because I don't do something they want or am the way they want or believe and agree, well, that's their problem not mine. Before, I would do just about anything to make the awful feelings go away and make them like me again..........anymore, not so much.
Another thing that has helped me so much is being able to realize what I am feeling is not mine and it helps me not go into rages......sometimes........other times I realize after the fact and head for my quiet place.
I have also learned some things that make it better when negative energy surrounds me. I love hot baths, working with my flowers, reading to escape reality, before the event (realizing I am an empath) I knew these werecoping mechanisms. What I didn't know was how important they are. Nature is a big thing for me now, I walk through the grass and can feel positive energy. I know why I have never been able to walk by a plant and not touch it. I know why I get so sad when everything on my front porch dies or goes dormant. I need that energy, it's positive, which is very important for me to maintain myself. A few weeks ago we went to the Thomas House here in Tennessee with the paranormal investigation team I am on and I walked out into the field next to the hotel and sat down, I looked down and there beside me was the prettiest little patch of moss and of course I had to touch it. I sat there for while with my hand on it and could feel the energy running up my arm, it was lovely. My husband loves moss too but for the look and we are growing it in between the stones of our walk way around the house. I told him I would love to replace all the crab grass that we can't seem to get rid of with moss, just moss, everything moss. I know that sounds crazy but it has very positive energy.
I have learned so much already and know I have so much more to learn. My life will be a constant learning experience. I like that!!!
By AnneRose, 2015-08-16
Ok, so I have a hard time expressing my feelings because I am constantly afraid I will bring down someone else. So I don't tell people how I feel and I keep it all in. This last week was hard for me, my husband was out of town and my kids were back in school. I have been dealing with a lot of stress, everything from getting my kids back into a routine to fighting 28 miles of rush hour traffic each day, all my children go to school within a 5 mile radius of my home but due to the fact they are in 3 different schools that begin at 3 different times and let out at 3 different times my route is a little long. So it's been a stressful week from the get go but there are other things to consider as well in my weird world of me.
I have a situation with another empath that is a bit on the negative. Ok, so it's way negative. She is a very pleasant person on the surface but once you get to know her she's all kinds of wacky. She uses her conditions, and yes I meant that as plural, to gain sympathy from others and that is how she gains friends and do gooders. She is an energy vampire. But she so nicely sucks the life right out of you. She is what I think of as a unknowing narcissist, I don't think she truly knows what she is doing, she just does it.
I have spoken about her before and over the past few weeks I have been asking myself why I am obsessing over a chapter of my life that I have firmly closed. I put a stop to it, in fact, my last words to her were, I am done with this, leave me alone. So why is it still bothering me? Well it's been a bad week and as I do when I get down I start looking for something to uplift me and I ran across a site that explains that as empaths we aren't obsessing, we are taking on the energy of that person. Ok, so I can't exactly totally close her out, she is my neighbor, literally, lives 4 doors up the street, at the end of the street. When she leaves she has to drive past my house, when she comes home she has to drive past my house. We belong to two of the same neighborhood online groups as well as two paranormal groups. We have 32 friends in common both neighbors and friends from the other groups. She is going to be on the board of our HOA. My best friend lives right next door to her, their children go to the same private school and my BF wants to keep the peace between them. Others in the neighborhood know she's crazy but coddle her so as to not cause outbursts. Then there are those that just don't know her and think she is a wonderful person. If they only knew. Now I am not the type that tries to bring someone down, I am more of a Let Karma get them kinda girl. So I am patient, I am, totally. But because we have friends in common and belong to the same groups I get notifications with her picture and words attached. I see her all day long. Now I could block her but that would mess things up for me. I could drop the groups but that would be punishing myself. I could drop the friends but well, that's just not happening. I could change my settings so as to not get notifications but that would keep me from seeing other things that I do care about.
That is what all this is about, caring, the fact is is I DO NOT CARE, I personally do not care what she does, what she says, who she talks to, who is friends with her, I do not care that my BF is friends with her, I do not care that they talk, as long as I am not included my BF if free to be friends with whoever she likes even if I do not like them, I do not expect others to share my opinions of someone else........SO WHY AM I OBSESSING OVER HER.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not obsessing, she is close enough to me through physical as well as online that I am feeling her energy and she has some wacky energy, she doesn't know how to separate what is hers from what is not and the sad thing is is she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to separate because by doing that she would heal, she would feel good, she wouldn't be stuck in the bed being waiting on hand and foot by her family and friends. She would not have the sympathy of others to rely on for her self esteem. She will say she wants to get better and boy does she have the doctor numbers to prove it, she has many and of all sorts but really they are just ploys in her little game. She can insert a quick story about her neurologist into any conversation even if it's about peanut butter sandwiches. She uses them to gain sympathy, this is why she is lying when she talks about getting better, she doesn't want to, she risks being left out if there aren't reasons for her to ask for help.
I have really got to figure out how to block this chick, she's gonna drive me nuts.
So in short, this is a very confusing blog I have written, I understand, I am venting.
I am being driven crazy by an energy vampire that I have non effectively closed out of my life. I can't talk to my friends about it because I feel I would be bringing them down. I have no outlets for this because I do not want to seem petty or childish. But for me it's a very real struggle against something that I can't, in normal people speak, explain. I am stuck and all I want to do is walk far out into the woods, sit down and pet some moss.
By AnneRose, 2015-06-18
I am nearly 39 and have never had a blog. Why? I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am an empath, I hide so much of myself that telling people about me, even strangers, is very hard. I have thought a lot about it and have decided to come out of my shell a little more. I recently made a very public statement on a social site about me being an Empath, after 24 hours I hid it, it's still there but I am the only one that can see it. I braced myself for the fall out but none came, I think people are afraid to talk to me about it. They don't understand. So that is why I am here, I need to be around people who understand. This morning I sat down to cruise the web and ended up writing and here is what I wrote:
My life, what I think and what I feel is a confusing mess. It's very hard for me to describe, I feel so much and even knowing it's not all mine doesn't really help me sometimes. I stay confused a lot, the roller coaster of emotion drains me. I see the world differently than others do, not through my own eyes but through the feelings of others. Hopelessness is a big part of that and I have often thought what's the point of human existence. Why do we keep trying to survive, why do we not just lay down and die? That's a horrible thought and is not the way I feel, that is not who I am so why do I feel that way? I think it's the confusion, the mountains of despair that roll over me sometimes in great times of need, times of pain in the world, heart ache for great amounts of death or massive natural disasters. I block out as much as I can, ignore it, build walls and hope they don't crumble but sometimes it gets in anyway. I know what I am but feel I shouldn't be. Should I be? This is the way God made me, I know that, to the my very endings but according to man's understanding of God I should not be. I am wicked. It makes it very difficult for me to feel understood when the people I rely on the most think less of me because of what I am. I hide it, letting out only tidbits of who I am. No one knows me truly. Sometimes I myself wonder who I am. I am different, not unique but different. Where do I belong?
I have read it over and over and it makes me sad that I could write something with so much despair in it.This is not who I am, I am happy, energetic, outgoing. Others see me as friendly, fun, and witty. But what I feel so much of is pain and anguish and sometimes it's hard to separate what is mine from what is someone else's. Until a year ago I thought I was depressed, I had even went to the doctor and was put on medication for depression. I didn't understand. Then I found a paranormal group, I have always been sensitive to spirits, one of my first memories is of a demonic spirit and this group seemed like a good fit for me. That is where I first heard about empaths. Growing up in a Pentecostal home doesn't give outlets for people like me nor does it give information on how to handle feelings when they aren't your own, you are basically told to ignore it and pray about it. I look back over my life and can now better understand why I was the way I was growing up, why I never felt apart of anything, any group, even family. I always felt ......... different. Any words out of my mouth about anything paranormal and I was silenced, if i cried I was punished or called names like cry baby. I learned very early on the art of being selective of who I told and what I said.
I spent nearly 38 years with the wrong idea of me. I am now trying to find me, who I am, where my place in this great big world is. I am a Christian and I love God and know that all of this, all of it, comes from Him. I just need to find my place and for once feel a part of something.
That's me, for now.........................