Haunted past creates new change
I woke up to a surprise this morning and not exactly a welcomed one. I opened my e-mail this morning and saw a friend request for facebook from mu oldest's child's biological father. I have to admit, I was floored. My on earth is he contacting me after 23 years? I was young and he was older, but I had no idea how older until after we broke up. It was a very toxic relationship and he was very abusive and insanely jealous. That I why I left him six moths after my child was born. I've never been one to hate someone but I hated him. I was only seventeen. You would think that after all these years I would find some type of resolution, but when I walked away I left that life behind and never really looked back.
I know I'm going through a state of transition. I saw much of it but never saw this one coming. I didn't accept his friend request but I did write him back and asked what he wanted. There was a small part of me that actually felt a little guilty for being rude, but yet, I could write a book about the horrors of that relationship and many would ask why I was so kind. I have let go of alot of things but there is something in me that won't let this go. Forgiveness is not an option. It wasn't even the crimes he commited against me, but what he did to my daughter. My daughter is transgendered so for those of you who knew my child as my son, that is why I refer to her as my daughter now It was a miracle that my daughter was even born. She should have died in the womb as this is what he attempted to do. I can't forgive that. 3 times he tried and three times he failed.
So why now? Why send me a "friend" request knowing what he did and how I would react? It's almost emotional suicide. Maybe that is the point. There are plenty of ex's he has that could do and not think twice about it. So why me? Why now? In the core of my depths I know why. It's almost cruel that the universe would make me do this, though I know that the intentions are of a higher reason. But there are so many healers on this planet that could heal him with ease. He hasn't given me a reason yet on why he has contacted me but I felt a strong sense of redemption on his part. My husband say's the people change. I know they do, but the question is, do I care? The ex in me doesn't, but the Mystic in me sees this completely different.
I have been given the responsibility of caring for the lost souls. I always thought they were the lost souls that were in spirit, but I can feel that he is lost as well, and the Mystic in me feels the need to help him. Not to be actively involved but to help him seek closure in this. But the human in me wants justice served.
I have no doubt that I am being shown that I can't pick and choose who the universe sends to me. It's my choice to say yes or no, sure, but the Mystic in me can't say no because in that role I see the greater picture and the loss of a soul is the greatest loss to ever happen. I used to think that if I missed one they would just find another medium, but I realized because each person is so unique that our gifts are also so unique and I have something that noone else has. Another person has something that I don't have so we all brought together by the needs and maybe what he needs, noone else can give him. I'm being forced to feel him, to feel his worthlessness that he feels. The human feels that this is justice for what he has done to me and others. This is his cross to bare. But the Mystic feels that noone should ever have to feel that way. The Mystic knows this is hell and the beginning stages of the forgotten spirits. I feel his rejection by almost everyone. Though he may have brought this on himself, he is like a child soul. Barely born into this world. There is a huge part of myself that won't allow me to cause further harm.
It shows how much I have grown spiritually, that's for sure. Maybe I needed to see that to. I don't feel the need to help change him, like council or whatever, but I do feel the need to not cause further harm to him. I can't within the depths of my soul forgive him, I can't, but I can handle this in a way that will not cause further harm to any of us. I know the Divine is behind this and I know partly why.
I don't know where this path will lead to, but I do know that this is a crossroads and how I handle it will make it positive or negative.