Reflection on Acceptance
I spent a little time this evening playing with my cards. I started with my Magic of the Unicorns, which I haven't used since who knows when. This has always been my "fun and feel good deck" and never use it for any serious readings. interestingly, yesterday it was quite accurate.
Tonight I played with the Archangel Oracle. I felt a little less connected tonight so I put them away and pulled out my Heart of the Faires deck. This is my newest deck and am still getting used to it, however, it one of my most accurate decks I own. This deck has a different energy, a little darker but not bad, almost more human connected. I guess the realm of the fairy is alot like earth, both light and not so light,lol.
I pulled the Greenman and then the Greenwoman card. I pretty much didn't get it, ok, so I need to spend more time outside enjoying nature. You know, the same old message. Then I pulled 3 more cards. The first talked about a joyous future. The second was Pan card and the third was the shadows of the past card. I knew the first and the last, but not to sure about the pan card. I looked it up and pan means to simply go with the flow of things as they come. Life is an adventure and we should enjoy every moment of you.
I have been trying, but there is an underlying sadness I can never seem to shake. I feel my passion for anything is pretty much turned to apathy. Not that I don't care, but rather self defeated. As Pan, I used to go from one adventure to another, embracing it all, the good, the bad, the indifferent. It's not really the carefreeness that I miss, because I don't think I've even been totally carefree, but having the ability to embrace all of it. The happiness, the sadness, the inability to fear. I was able to whip up a spell in only a couple of minutes off the top of my head and it being just as powerful as ceremonies that would take an hour, I would astral project without thinking twice. I knew I was protected, I knew I was safe and I knew the power I possessed.
I guess pan knows that in order for me to enjoy my future, I must first remember the things that made me strong.
I don't really know how I knew, maybe it was apathy that allowed to do the things I once did. It's not that I never thought of what the consequences could be, but maybe I just didn't care. Sometimes I think I was more in touch with my true self before I started giving all this a name and a label. Sure I have learned alot, but it feels as if this knowledge may have hindered me. Somehow simply not knowing made it possible for me to simply just "do", yet on the flip-side, I know longer feel like a freak of nature and that I am not alone.
So what is it in my past that allowed me to battle every storm that came my way and feeling proud of the challenge?
What was it that made me stop and second guess everything? Have I gone to far in my quest for truth?
Even when I felt the hand of God lift off of me during the years with my ex, I never gave up. But now all I see is failure? When did I start accepting failure? When did I finally role over and give up? Why the hell would I do that? I never gave up on anything, not matter how destructive it was. I battled almost every storm. Yeah, I got knocked down a few times, but I got right back up and spit in it's face. EVERYTHING was important to me. How did I get to the point of where only a few things in my life matters? I'm not even sure the curse was my past, but this "new" path I am on. Sure I'm a little kinder and gentler, and it's has it's place, but when the rock crumbled, I crumbled. That rock was me. Now I'm like tiny pebbles on the ground. How do I fix this if I don't even know how I got here to begin with.
I used to think that I was so unbalanced, but I was the most balanced I have ever been, it is now that I am unbalanced. How am I supposed to "co-create" when I'm broken? The only thing I can seem to create is this stupid "poor me" complex. Why do I accept this shit in my life? I'm better than that and I refused to accept this shit before.
I'm a damn good mother, even if I'm not June Cleaver. I may have not provided my kids the best house or fancy clothes, expensive game systems, but you know what? When the world turned their backs on my children, I was there. I traveled from one side of this damn country to the other side to at least try to give them a better life. I worked shit jobs, lived in homeless shelters and motel rooms and not once did I ever give up.
I may not be the best psychic on the planet, but I help people. Instead of renting some stupid room and charging $300.00 for a stupid reading, I help families find closure and peace. I help spirits also find peace so they can finally move on. I endure the most gruesome visions and see the horror that these people actually go through through, while others out there are robbing people's pocketbooks in order to make them "feel good" and selling them a title that doesn't mean anything. Seriously, some of these "top notch" people pull so much shit out of their ass and con people into paying thousands and thousands of dollars on a theory. They don't tell you that it may not fit for them, instead they brainwash people into thinking that their "shit" is the only real "shit" on the planet. It makes me sick. So why am I basing my success or my perception of success on these people? Why am I desiring to be like them when I can't even stomache who they are and what they represent?
How did I go from the Rock that everyone leaned upon to a pile of rubble that I even spit upon? There is something seriously wrong with this picture.
How did I even get here? Being afraid of everything? This is so stupid and how much time I spend trying to "figure things out" I already had it figured out and I refuse to accept the fact that everything is carved in stone.
It's pretty ironic how many times I have told people " you may need to accept this or that" you know what, it's bullshit, you don't have to accept anything. I'm beginning to figure out how powerful the word "acceptance" is.
I need to seriously take a step back and decide what I am going to accept and won't accept anymore, especially from myself.
i think I will start with the "unworthy" feeling. Why, because even if every human turned their back on me on this planet, I am worthy. I do have a purpose. It may not be some world -wide thing, it might now mean anything to anyone but maybe a handful of people. But this handful of people are worthy to. And if they come to me because the world turned their back on them, damn it, I'm going to be the rock for them to lean on, because that is my purpose. Out of all the cool gifts I have been given, I have been given one more sacred then the rest, and that is strength and I refuse to accept that it's gone. I don't know how I will get out of this whole, but I will get out of it. I have no other choice because failure is NOT an option.
And it shouldn't be for you either!