Finally Getting It
I was writing on my web-site. I started a page with a bio about my past concerning my abilites. Many of you read the story about how the haunted church when I was five and it totally screwed me up. I was able to recall some very important details, that I never realized before. I know what happened now and how this situation spiraled so out of control. Here is part of it.
Welcome and thank you for stopping by. My name is Angel and I am the show host and Angel Intuitive for theBlog Talk Radio Show Mystic Realm. I wanted to share a more personalside to my listen's and so I have created this page. To the right aremultiple blogs that I have written about my spiritual journey. The roadto spiriuality is always a rough road and the learning process isnever-ending.
I have been a psychic medium and empath since theage of 5. My first experience with the spirit realm was when I attendeda new church with my mother in Portland, OR. I was sitting in the mainsanctuary when I felt a presance around me. I couldn't see it but adark heavy feeling came over me and it was if I was thrown into anabysee of nothingness. I felt empty, alone and afraid.I stared out thewindow and saw a cemetary with many people gathered around crying. Isaw a man standing away from them and he looked at me. I quicklylooked away from him and towards heaven. At that very moment I becameterrified. God was going to take me away and I didn't want to go.Heaven was not a peaceful place with flowing rivers and castles likeeveryone said, it was dark, cold and void of everything.It was full ofjudgement, emptiness and pain. I felt death and at that moment, Iwalked amoungst the dead, so I knew it was all a lie. When the sermonstarted, the feeling intensified as I sat motionless as the preacherspoke. I don't recall much of the sermon, but I do remember hellfireand brimstone being part of it. "If you don't accept Jesus you willburn in hell" the preacher spoke. I felt like I was doomed. If I don'task Jesus in my heart, I will burn, but if I do, then God will take meaway to heaven and I didn't like the feeling of heaven, it was emptyand dark." When we left the church, I saw the headstones outside butnoone was standing there. ( I later realized it was a vision.) This daymy life changed and began a lifelong struggle for spiritualunderstanding. The feeling of dread and hoplessness followed meeverywhere. I lived in a state of panic and hated my life. At home, Iwas always being watched. I couldn't see who it was but I knew he wasthere, I felt him all the time. Shadows began to appear in my room andI think my mother senced them to because she was always praying in myroom. I developed alot of anxiety and phobias that were quitenoticeable. We finally moved when I was 7 and the feelings finallywent away. I soon forgot about all of it until the age of 9 when wemoved yet again to Mississippi and I was visited by another spirit. Icould not see her, but I could hear her voice. She showed me violentvisions concerning a river that was behind my apt. complex. Her voicealways comforted me and I never felt afraid when she was around . Shespoke loud yet her words were always mumbled as if she was talkingunderwater. We moved to California when I was 9 and I never heard hervoice again.
I never realized the pattern until today. It wasn't some demonic conspiracy, or maybe it was, but that's not what's important, what's important is that I channeled this spirits emotions, everything, his fears, his experience with not being crossed over, his panic of judgement, his sadness for leaving his family behind, everything. It's not real. This was HIS reality, HIS fears of judgement, HIS fears of crossing over. It was HIS sence of worthlessness and not feeling worthy to go to heaven. But I didn't understand that. It was HIS demons after him, not me. But it was that expereince that sowed the seeds of fear in me. I know this may not sound any different that the other posts, but it is,it's HUGE, because I was never cursed like I always thought I was. I was handed over to the "other side" because I was some horrible child or past karma or anything like that. See, I always saw a shadow, and even if I didn't see the shadow, I always felt his presance around me up until a couple of years ago. I never knew what it was, most of the time it stood in the shadows, and sometimes it would just reak a little havoc. I always attracted other shadows and lower realm entities and energies, and I NEVER KNEW WHY. This is why I felt the need to save all these spirits. I feel people's pain because I have always been in pain. But seriously, how much of this pain is actually mine? Why were those seeds planted to begin with? I have walked the fine line between the light and the dark because I have been on both sides. I "save" people because I walk through hell and back and heaven and back with them. I have been to both sides. It's interesting that a "fluke" a very naive and vulnerable child spent an entire lifetime searching for the truth. I never understood how I could be blessed and cursed at the same time, not why I was always attracted to the "dark". It was because I always felt like I belonged there. Why did I belong there, because HE felt he belonged there. And what he went through I believed was me, now I know it wan't me, it was him. I knew the truth was buried somewhere in that incident. But now is the hard part, undoing all of the self-destructive damage I did to myself all of these years. This isn't putting a bunch of blame on a ghost, this is simply understanding how things got so out of control, thinking this is where the panic attacks stemmed from, and now I can hopefully begin the road to healing.
Thank you everyone for helping so much. It has taken me over 32 years to get past all of this, and I feel confident that another layer of the past can be healed and I can finally take another step forward.